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The ‘What If I Ran Every Organization in the NFL’ First Round Mock Draft (With Trades)

| May 6th, 2014

ebron

Because I wanted to have fun with it, here is what I would do throughout the first round of the NFL Draft if I ran every team. This is not a mock draft. I don’t know what any of these teams think about any player and I mostly don’t care.

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1. Houston Texans 

TRADE! The Texans deal the first pick to the Oakland Raiders for free ferry transportation to and from Alcatraz and a box of autographed Jose Canseco photographs.

1. OAKLAND RAIDERS select Jadeveon Clowney.

Why? Because I’ve been an unmitigated disaster as GM in Oakland and a gutsy move like this would at least enable me to put my stamp on the organization. If I come out of this draft with a potential All Pro DE and my chosen quarterback at the top of the second round, I’ll be smiling Monday morning and perhaps buy myself an additional year in charge to develop the young talents.

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2. ST. LOUIS RAMS (from Washington Redskins) select Greg Robinson.

Why? Because I would think the Rams are close and I don’t think Johnny Manziel could survive four games against the Niners and Seahawks in his rookie campaign. Bradford might not be my guy long-term but I believe I can win with him if my offensive line matches the strength of my defensive line.

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3. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS select Khalil Mack.

Why? Because I hired Gus Bradley to build the Seahawks defense in Jacksonville and I don’t believe in this theory that a flashy-named QB sells tickets. Winning sells tickets. We’re not winning anything this year. I’m giving my head coach the best toy available and seeing what he does with it.

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4. Cleveland Browns

TRADE! The Browns deal the fourth pick to the Buffalo Bills for wings from the Anchor.

4. BUFFALO BILLS select Sammy Watkins.

Why? Because I have a solid group on defense and need playmakers. Watkins is the best playmaker in this draft and a perfect compliment to Robert Woods, who looked like a budding star a year ago in Buffalo. I’ve decided to build the fastest team in my division and take my chances.

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5. HOUSTON TEXANS (from Oakland Raiders) select John Pigskin.

Why? Because it’s just the Texas thing to do and there are few coaches in the league better suited to Manziel’s molding and demeanor than Bill O’Brien. And because I’ve gotten a nice package for the first overall selection, the risk is mitigated. 

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6. ATLANTA FALCONS select Eric Ebron.

Why? I wanted Clowney. I wanted Mack. I’ve got neither. I’m spending my fifteen minutes on the phone trying to deal back but nobody is offering me anything. What do I do? Put my emotions in the desk drawer and exercise prudence. Eric Ebron is the best tight end in this draft by a wide mile and I need to replace the greatest tight end to ever suit up. 

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7. TAMPA BAY BUCS select Mike Evans.

Why? Because I’m paying Josh McCown to be the starter in 2014 and I saw his production in 2013 with big, physical targets on the outside. 

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8. MINNESOTA VIKINGS select Aaron Donald.

Why? Because my coach Mike Zimmer walked into my office and told me he needed a push from the middle of his defensive front and Donald is the best interior pass rusher on the board. Pairing him with Linval Joseph will give us one of the most improved units in the league on day one.

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9. CLEVELAND BROWNS (From Buffalo Bills) select Anthony Barr.

Why? Because I don’t want to reach for a wide receiver and I’m content with my offensive line. There’s a quarterback I like but the 26th pick affords me the ability to take Barr – a player who not too long ago was being debated with Clowney as the top defender in the draft.

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10. DETROIT LIONS select Odell Beckham.

Why? Because I don’t care who I draft at corner, it’s not going to do much towards stopping the passing games of Chicago and Green Bay. I need a player opposite Calvin Johnson to keep my quarterback from continually tossing jump balls forty yards down the field in a desperate attempt to complete a pass. 


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11. TENNESSEE TITANS select Justin Gilbert.

Why? Because Bucky Brooks nailed it. Ray Horton sees a lot of Patrick Peterson in Gilbert and we’ve got to beat Andrew Luck to make the postseason.

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12. NEW YORK GIANTS select Jake Matthews.

Why? Because we struck gold a year ago with Justin Pugh and we’re ready to give him the mainstage at left tackle. Adding Matthews, who has Giants written all over him, would give us bookends along the offensive line for the next decade and allow Eli the time he lacked throughout 2013.

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13. ST. LOUIS RAMS select Marqise Lee.

Why? Because my coach Jeff Fisher has been telling me about Lee – who attended his alma mater – for a year. Last year we added Austin. This year we took a shot on Britt. If we hit with Lee, we’ve got a dynamic, versatile receiving corps.

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14. Chicago Bears.

TRADE! The Bears trade the 14th pick to the New York Jets for the 18th pick, hot dogs from Rutt’s Hut in Clifton, NJ and tickets to Book of Mormon.

14. NEW YORK JETS select Brandin Cooks.

Why? We had four wide receivers rated as elite on our board and weren’t willing to risk losing out on all four in the first round. Cooks is not only a terrific talent but he’s arguable the best person in this draft and that’s something we want more of in our locker room. Why did we make the trade? We know Pittsburgh had their eyes on him.

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15. PITTSBURGH STEELERS select Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix.

Why? Because we know Troy is nearing the end of his illustrious career and we know to get back to the Super Bowl – our only goal – we need to cover those boys Peyton is throwing the ball to.

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16. DALLAS COWBOYS select Kony Ealy.

Why? We debated Darqueze Dennard, the best player on our board. But corner is the only position on our defensive roster that doesn’t make us vomit in our mouths. So we targeted the best pass rusher available to replace Ware.

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17. BALTIMORE RAVENS select Darqueze Dennard.

Why? We don’t panic on draft day. Dennard is a wonderful talent who plays the physical football we want to play. Didn’t take us ninety seconds to get this one in.

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18. CHICAGO BEARS (From New York Jets) select Calvin Pryor.

Why? Once Aaron Donald was off the board we set our sights squarely on the the safety position. The fact that we were able to secure Pryor, our top safety, while gaining more picks means we’ve had our ideal Thursday night.

x

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19. MIAMI DOLPHINS select Zack Martin.

Why? We need offensive linemen who are not complete lunatics.

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20. ARIZONA CARDINALS select Blake Bortles.

Why? We are looking to the future at the position and we couldn’t turn down the opportunity to bring in the guy Bruce liked most of this quarterbacking class. Carson is our guy for at least 2014. But we’ll get Blake ready pretty quickly.

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21. GREEN BAY PACKERS select Louis Nix.

Why? There are comparisons to Vince Wilfork and if you have the chance to grab the next Vince Wilfork, you pull the trigger. And with B.J. Raji only signing on for the next year, there will be a serious need in the middle of our defensive line.

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22. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES select Ryan Shazier.

Why? Chip preaches speed in every element of the game and we couldn’t pass on a defender with this much speed, versatility.

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23. Kansas City Chiefs.

TRADE! The Chiefs move back a few places by sending the 23rd pick to New Orleans in exchange for a few dozen boxes of muffaletta from Napoleon House.

23. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS select Dee Ford.

Why? We sensed the Bengals would be looking to add a pass rusher so we made our move for the last of our true first-round edge talents. Our biggest issue has been winning big games on the road and we attribute that to an inability to rush the quarterback outdoors. Ford is a big piece to solving that puzzle.

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24. CINCINNATI BENGALS select Bradley Roby.

Why? Get the corner.

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25. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS select Kyle Fuller.

Why? Get the corner.

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26. CLEVELAND BROWNS (from Indianapolis Colts) select Derek Carr.

Why? This was our guy for months. And we got him. He’s not going to be anointed the starter but we love our quarterback room with Carr and Hoyer in it.

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27. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (From New Orleans) select Kelvin Benjamin.

Why? He reminds us of Alshon Jeffery with his freakish size and we’re desperate to add playmakers on the outside.

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28. CAROLINA PANTHERS select Taylor Lewan.

Why? Because the wide receivers are flying off the board and our starting corps on day one is Underwood, Avant and Cotchery we thought we had to go WR. But Lewan is far too much value to pass up at a severe position of need.

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29. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS select Carlos Hyde.

Why? Because Stevan Ridley fumbles too much and we weren’t willing to commit financial resources to Blount on a long-term basis. But we’re recommitted to the run in recent years and that requires a bruising back like Hyde.

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30. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS select Deone Bucannon.

Why? We see Bucannon as the heir apparent to Whitner at the back of our defense and while we were looking at receivers here the value has dwindled as they’ve vacated the board.

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31. Denver Broncos.

TRADE! The Broncos deal the 31st overall pick to the Chicago Bears for a private party for 15-20 people at the Green Mill Lounge and one yearly, two-week stay in the presidential suite at The Drake for a decade.

31. CHICAGO BEARS select Ra’Shede Hageman.

Why? We found our safety earlier in the round and saw an opportunity to get a starter at defensive tackle so we made the move. We gave up a few later picks but we think it’ll prove far worth it.

x

  _____________________________

32. Seattle Seahawks

TRADE! The Seahawks dump out of the first round and let their old buddy Gus Bradley back in for two dozen tickets to the 2015 Player’s Championship.

32. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS select Teddy Bridgewater.

Why? We saw no reason to wait until Friday and risk someone jumping ahead of us when our quarterback of the future was right in front of us.

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  • Bear Down in Tampa

    Pryor and Hageman would be a coup d’etat. I agree with most of this, I just don’t like Dee Ford as a 1st rounder.

    • MB30SD

      those eyes?

  • MB30SD

    http://mmqb.si.com/2014/05/06/nfl-mock-draft-peter-king-khalil-mack-houston-texans/?eref=sihp

    Interesting mock. They have us taking pryor and Dix going at 24 to cinci. Hey trac, guess where your man mosely ends up?

    • Irish Sweetness 4 Tuitt

      Gilbert’s videos seem to have a lot of returns on them. Fuller and Dennard, even Verrett, seem to be at least his equal as DBs. If we want a good corner in the first we can trade right down and still be happy. i don’t think Phil is thinking like that though. He wants a tackle … and apparently he could have Matthews at 30 in Jeff’s mock. No love for the pedigree, Jefe?

  • MB30SD

    Jeff, according to everyone pryor is now looking like the first safety off the board. I think pitt takes pryor and not dix if they want to replace silly hair… they are MUCH more similar. That said, i’ll take big dix in my backfield any day.

    • DaBearsBlog

      I don’t think anyone has any idea what these teams are going to do. It’s two days before the draft and we don’t know if there will be three QBs going in the top 10 or no QBs going in the first round.

      • MB30SD

        I thought we were playing the ‘talk about the mock draft’ game? If we’re talking reality why did you post this thread?

        I’m confused… or maybe your disdain for the draft fun is just showing through… grinch.

        • DaBearsBlog

          this isn’t a mock draft. it’s in the first two sentences. i don’t mind guessing the outcomes of things but this guessing you’re talking about involves ZERO information. it involves other people guessing.

          • MB30SD

            come ON jeff!

            Give us some love, and stop that silliness… I decree you to do this same column every single year. In fact, you should do contests, sweepstakes, mock drafts by posters, etccc.. etccc… etccccc…. All driving dollah bills into yours and noah’s grubby little fists. Do it maings Come on seriously… do it…. do it………. do it! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoqDYcCDOTg

            Look if the draft was in the middle of the season, I could kind of see your POV… but we’ve had nussink since FA started and then nussink till OTAs/camp.

            It’s exciting it’s fun it’s basically gambling without the gambling part. We all get to play GM for a few weeks every season. THAT is awesome and I’ll never understand why you don’t feel the same way.

            That said, the WC is just a few weeks away, so there’s that this year. Pretty fired up about it.

          • Big Mike

            Tough draw for Team USA in the WC. If they get out of it, it will be even more entertaining

          • MB30SD

            gotta get past fucking ghana… THEN germany. Ghana’s had our number for years. Will be an uphill battle, but excited to watch as much of it as possible.

          • You should hold a contest on DA Blog. Who comes closest to guessing the draft up to and including the Bears in the first round. Throw the winner a shirt.

        • DaBearsBlog

          I also had less fun writing this column than maybe anything I’ve ever written and I’ll never do one again.

          • gpldan flying Yak-9

            The Pres suite at the Drake is nice, but not REALLY nice.

          • DaBearsBlog

            I never stayed in it but I was in it. They renovated it and it’s like a dream suite now.

      • Irish Sweetness 4 Tuitt

        Good effort Jefe!

    • Big Mike

      Like trading futures…

      • MB30SD

        guys… WTF… are we not supposed to talk about this stuff and throw out what we think is going to happen!?!?

        Isn’t that the fun of all this shit? You guys are fucking killing me.

        Like putting out an add for a couch on craigslist, and when I show up to buy it you say, ‘no I don’t have a couch, I don’t believe in proto-industry!

        Signed,

        Confused (and SMFH) in San Diego

        • gpldan flying Yak-9

          Proto-Industry?

        • Big Mike

          I like trading futures. It’s a blast. So is this. You misunderstood me.

          • MB30SD

            no, just fucking with you again. semicolon…… close parenthesis.

  • gpldan flying Yak-9

    Two different NFL prognosticator firms on the Score with Mully today.

    BOTH of them said no QBs before pick TWENTY.

    They had JOHNNY FOOTBALL going at 26 as the first QB taken. Both of them felt it was a smokescreen and that ALL of them are developmental QBs, none of them could start like Luck did, and none of them are worth the premium when talent abounds at line and skill positions.

    Given this, I wish to amend my guess for Phil. I’ve listened, read and looked between the lines. I’ve gone through a zero QB mock on paper. Here is what I have:

    I wish to guess: Deone Bucannon, Wash State.

    Here is the Bears new FS:
    http://walterfootball.com/scoutingreport2014dbucannon.php

    • gpldan flying Yak-9

      I also have Andy Reid picking up Bridgewater because he’s sick and fucking tired of Alex Smith’s contract talks.

      #demapples

      • Trac

        bridgewater failed his combine pee pee test.

        • MB30SD

          weed? PEDs?

          First guess would be weed. Kids these days.

          • Trac

            I believe it was weed.

          • MB30SD

            I want to show you something… it’s my shocked face?

        • Shady

          The issue GMs are going to have with these guys isn’t the fact they smoke weed, cause if say at least 30% of the league smokes, the issue is the fact these kids KNEW they were going to get drug tested and STILL failed the test. Can these players be trusted? Trusted to study playbook? Trusted to show up to practice ready to work? Trusted to do their jobs? Trusted with millions of the owners money?

          Again, it’s not the fact they smoke or smoked pot, it’s the fact they knew they were going to get tested and did nothing to prepare for it. I’d be like if I told you there were a speed trap through the next stretch of highway and you decided to lay on the gas anyway. Just dumb and irresponsible.

          • Trac

            I agree. If your top prospect fails a test and say he’s a cornerback, that’s one thing. But a highly touted QB? forget about it, the guy is fugasey.

          • MB30SD

            Oh so you support pot smoking then?!?!

          • Shady

            For medicinal purposes of course.

          • MB30SD

            the ol’ glaucoma acting up again huh? Sorry to hear that. Better treat is ASAP tonight.

          • Cormonster

            A customer of mine who owns a couple factories in town has stated basically the same thing. He doesn’t care to drug test, except for new employees. His point is if they can’t quit long enough to get a job, they have a problem. After hiring, he doesn’t really care. If the person has a problem, they will get themselves fired for other reasons.

          • Irish Sweetness 4 Tuitt

            Weed is in the system for a while – if they test your hair it’s three months. But yeah, KNOWING you’re going to be tested for this things and not caring .. .well, if you’re a professional athlete who smokes weed…. warning.

          • Exactly. It’s like you tell someone, “don’t skip rope, ok. If you don’t skip rope until a certain date, you’ll be millions richer”, then you see the idiot skipping his ass down the street and you think, “That motherfucker”.

            He’s basically doing this

            https://i.imgur.com/8fBcTSX.gif

    • Irish Sweetness 4 Tuitt

      No QBs before 20 = somebody’s smoking crack in the car park before doing their draft pieces.

    • I’m mentally preparing myself for Emery picking Bucannon already. Also, DE Demarcus Lawrence fro Bosie ST, aka Onyx Shea.

      http://www.cbssports.com/nfl/draft/players/1984683/demarcus-lawrence

    • MB30SD

      No thanks… not @ 14

      Lacks range to be a free safety
      Could be a liability in pass coverage

      Can take false steps
      Can he cover tight ends, slot receivers?

      A big, black conte?

      • Irish Sweetness 4 Tuitt

        Dude, have you seen his tape? He’s a baller. More the strong safety type. We’re good with him on board. Bucannon and Dennard I like.

  • el_caney

    Pryor & Hageman would be the cherry of one of the most prolific offseason I remember since Angelo´s cut.

    • If Emery hits it out of the park, we should re-hire Angelo, just so we can fire him, and call it the greatest off-season since the 83 draft.

      • MB30SD

        Can I also slap him in that stupid grinning mug of his? Man it makes me angry.

        • He has his own column in NFP I think, if that makes you feel better.

          • MB30SD

            yeah, thanks. fucking ridiculous. Like george Dubbayah getting an executive position at fucking mensa. SMFH.

  • Shady

    Not sure if this was meant as satire, but this mock actually makes a lot of sense. The only thing I would change would be that Lovie wouldn’t pass on a guy like Donald in favor of a WR. But who knows, it’s the draft, ANYTHING can happen.

    T-2 days and 9 hours.

    • DaBearsBlog

      Lovie doesn’t need Donald. That was my issue. He has one of the three best defensive tackles in the sport.

      • Shady

        Lovie’s philosophy is to play great defense and control the ball. With the amount of defensive talent that should still be on the board at 7, I don’t see how he resists the temptation to build a great D. I imagine both Lovie in TB and Marinelli in DAL look at Donald as a potential centerpiece to a Tampa-2 defense.

        • Irish Sweetness 4 Tuitt

          The fact that he is exactly a Lovie 3T, makes me think we should go bigger and play it safe. Tuitt, Sutton, or Ellis would be solid … and allow us to grab a top corner or safety in the first.

          • Shady

            GMs put a premium on DTs who can rush the passer, which is why a guy like Donald will most likely be gone by 14. Big fatties who just take up space are nice, but they can be found in the 2nd and 3rd rounds… And in Waffle’s old college dorm room.

        • MB30SD

          Bend don’t break. … until they score.

          Prevent D!!!…. to prevent us from winning the game.

          Ahhhh… I miss lovie.

          • Shady

            OH YES. I was WONDERING what would BREAK FIRST.

      • I think Lovie is gonna grab Mosley. Mosley + David will be his new version of Lach + Briggs.

        • Trac

          Bingo. Give the man a prize.

          • MB30SD

            As long as we don’t take him.

            New lach… Hee hee

          • Trac

            Let the goodies flow. Umm mmm….

          • MB30SD

            Hahahaha… what was our bet again?

          • Trac

            I don’t remember but I’ll tell you what. Just for the sheer joy of hearing you rant about Lovie all season, I’ll send you some biltong, an Aero and a peppermint crisp after Lovie takes the bucks to the playoffs.

          • MB30SD

            I see what you did there

          • Irish Sweetness 4 Tuitt

            Bullough, fourth round. Done.

            Trade down. 1. Dennard 2. Tuitt 3. Safety + RB. 4. Bullough.

          • MB30SD

            explain again the corner over a safety thing?

            (whispering… shhhhhhh… we have TWWWOOOOOO PRO BOWL corners on our team Iiiiiriiiiiiish. TTTTTWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOO… shhhhhhhh!!!!!)

            We need a safety maings. Point. Blank. I am coolio with getting donald in 1 and buchannon in 2 somehow, but outside of that if we don’t take a safety who can come in and start day 1, emery has failed. Need that missing piece maings.

            OH, and I hear whispers from the link I posted above that brandon flowers might be on the blocks? Mmmmm… yeeeees?!

          • Irish Sweetness 4 Tuitt

            Oh I know I know, but looking at those corners, damn. After Pryor/Dix we’d be reaching for Free Safeties. I just hope it’s a straight choice for Emery tomorrow … Donald (if he likes him) or Dix/Pryor. Glad I’m not making it too (although for six million a year you could probably twist my arm).

            Given that we were never going to fix everything in one draft, can we afford to pass on a genuine free safety? If we do go with Pryor (I think he’ll be there), then maybe a Tuitt /Sutton is there for us in two and we don’t have to worry about the ‘small DT’ thing in any case. Pumped.

      • Lovie might get flashbacks of Tommie Harris.
        I do hope he gets Mosley, leave the Bears with options at other positions.

  • TheBigCheesy

    That was enjoyable to read you write about the packers using a first-person possessive pronoun.

    • TheBigCheesy

      the bears still suck, btw

      • gpldan flying Yak-9
        • Irish Sweetness 4 Tuitt

          Oxygen thief. Highest order.

        • At least he’s honest “Pure Hate” tattooed across his chest. I’m almost hoping he’s crazy, but he could just not give a shit.

          • Irish Sweetness 4 Tuitt

            Tattoo artist : So, what can I do ya for today?
            Oxygen thief : PURE HATE …… right here.
            Tattoo artist : Okely dokely then …..

          • gpldan flying Yak-9

            …and make it in a cool font… like the Germans used….

      • Irish Sweetness 4 Tuitt

        (peruses roster and muses upcoming draft)

        Nope. No we don’t. We’re gonna kick your ass this year. Twice.

  • Irish Sweetness 4 Tuitt

    Would he trade down just a few spots? If we go down to SF at 30 we could likely draft Bucannon and still have two picks in the second, allowing us to pick up a DT and a CB of high quality. Defense adequately addressed before we hit the third round. All gravy after that.

    • this is my dream scenario. Trade back to 30.

      Bucannon rd 1

      Pierre Desir (CB) and Will Sutton (DT) rd 2.

      I would be so happy.

      • MB30SD

        I approve this message… although, I do think that leaves us still trying to fill one of the franchise safety spots this year and beyond.

        • Irish Sweetness 4 Tuitt

          Angelo’s mess wasn’t going to get fixed any time soon – we might have to go with Conte or Jennings … deep breaths …… but if we have a super-duper front 7 then a girl can wait.

      • gpldan flying Yak-9

        Trade back from 14 to 30 for a 2nd rounder?

        • and likely a 5th or 6th as well, but yes.

        • Irish Sweetness 4 Tuitt

          That’s the shit I’m talkin’ about Willis ….

  • MB30SD

    Corm, I could go on for days about SA and the gov. I had this same discussion with a buddy a couple weeks ago.

    Basically, the vid nailed it. It’s like any other 3rd world nation. Those in power do anything they have to in order to stay there. The corruption and grift is so monumental and barely veiled that it’s literally unbelievable.

    Africa is a tribal culture and that’s what’s still being perpetrated in SA, just via governmental structure now instead of outright literal war using spears and cowhide shields

    There’s a saying in Africa… when one group of people gets into power they bring in the rest of the tribe. they say, “it’s our turn to eat now”. Everyone in power brought in their family and tribesmen to help rule, so you have people without a second of training running a government, that’s really just perpetuate the power and money structures for themselves. They see other tribes as subhuman so there’s zero guilt or conscious about serving their own needs about others or the country in general.

    Apartheid might have been a horrible and wrong political structure, but from a fiscal and procedural standpoint, it was a real gov that was run very efficiently. SA was considered a 2nd world nation back then and the economy was burgeoning… now again, at what cost… a wholly unacceptable one of course, but today the people are pretty much as poorly treated and the economy and the country in general is in the shitter.

    The level of ineptitude being perpetrated in SA by the ANC and Malerma’s group is seriously staggering. So much more than here… the aids example was just one.

    Here, I’ll share a personal email my dad just sent me last night which should viscerally demonstrate.

    Boys, I thought I must tell you about my 4 hour experience at Home Affairs in CT.

    Briefly-waited in block long line, with all necessary documents. Eventually after 1 hour got to see the person. She asked for copies of passport and current visas, which was not on requirement list, had to leave and go make copies, when I returned she would not see me and sent me back to the line, I eventually saw her and she asked for the deposit, which was on the list – I took R2000 in case – Ha!

    The deposit was R16,000?????? believe it or not. This is refundable when you either return to the US or become a permanent resident. Ran 10 city blocks looking for my Bank, and withdrew R16,000, and returned to Home Affairs. After seeing all this, I quickly put Mom’s application back in the folder and decided not to apply for her. After paying for the visa and the R16,000, went back to the girl who took my application, and she advised me I would hear from them via sms in 30 to 90 days??

    Welcome to the new rainbow nation, and no wonder the Rand is at 10.60 vs 5.00 to the $, where it should be. Love, Dad

    • Trac

      Glad you posted that. It reminded me to call my dad up and thank him for the nice leather jacket he just sent me.

      • MB30SD

        sure. Don’t forget to call mom too! Might want to tell him now that you’re going to need him to send you a package of bilton and some SA chocolates soon. hee hee

    • Cormonster

      That would be terrible if SA turned into a country like Zimbabwe. I couldn’t believe how Mbeki would cover for Mugabe and give his tacit support for him while he brutalized his country and people. That’s when I realized how messed up the government was in SA.

      • MB30SD

        it’s a sad state of affairs, but not one that’s rare or unexpected on the continent sadly. It’s much more the norm.

        SA should be trying to emulate Botswana. One of my favorite african nations.

    • Irish Sweetness 4 Tuitt

      Wow, so a good time to go on holiday there, right?

  • Bender McLugh

    Here’s the current results of the live mock on 4-letter happening now, also having the Bears taking Pryor at #14.
    1. Buffalo Bills (via Houston): Jadeveon Clowney, DE, South Carolina
    2. St. Louis Rams: Greg Robinson, OT, Auburn
    3. Jacksonville Jaguars: Khalil Mack, LB, Buffalo
    4. Cleveland Browns: Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M
    5. Oakland Raiders: Sammy Watkins, WR, Clemson
    6. Atlanta Falcons: Jake Matthews, OT, Texas A&M
    7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Mike Evans, WR, Texas A&M
    8. Houston Texans (via Minnesota): Blake Bortles, QB, UCF
    9. Minnesota Vikings (via Houston): Darqueze Dennard, CB, Michigan State
    10. Detroit Lions: Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, S, Alabama
    11. Tennessee Titans: Eric Ebron, TE, North Carolina
    12. New York Giants: Taylor Lewan, OT, Michigan
    13. St. Louis Rams: Aaron Donald, DT. Pittsburgh
    14. Chicago Bears: Calvin Pryor, S, Louisville

    • gpldan flying Yak-9

      Mario Williams and Clowney on opening day.

      Well, I hope Jordan Palmer will be ready. He might be needed sooner rather than later.

      • Bender McLugh

        nah, the OL will dominate. Kreutz replacement at center even……!

    • I think if Donald gets to the Titans, Emery will trade up with them and draft him.

      Titans can get a 3rd and still possibly get Ebron, or Lewan or a number of other guys.

      • MB30SD

        you’d give up our 3rd for him? Fuck that shit.

        Pryor, Sutton, Some 6’2″ CB monster in 3. Final Answer!

        • With Donald, Allen, Young, Houston, Izzy…even Conte can play back there.

          • MB30SD

            stop it. Just. Fucking. Stop. It.

            And we’re not getting donald. I think you need to accept that my maings.

          • I’m still hoping Donald gets caught with a tranny in Queens like 2 hours before the draft, so that he drops to us. Does that make me a bad man?

          • Irish Sweetness 4 Tuitt

            If we traded up to 11 we prolly would. Is he worth the effort though? I don’t care what he did in college, it’s what he can do in the NFL that interests me. I could slot a Tuitt in there and I know that he’ll be in the backfield shortly after the snap, double-team or not. Donald, we can’t say that about. In fact so there’s so little love for Tuitt that he could be there at 51.

            I think if we draft Pryor, Tuitt could be the cherry on top. Sutton needs to trim down – question is … why ? Why does he have to, isn’t he a big boy yet? What does that say about him? Turning up to your new career …. fat?

            Yes, Pryor and Tuitt … two day one starters that will bring the pain to the NFCN and one A-vadge Cheesedick. Solve our problems before we hit the third round. I love it.

        • Irish Sweetness 4 Tuitt

          I like that (Tuitt more) but I l agree with Butch’s point below. The DBs look better automatically with a Better DL, and he’ll surely grab us a Bucannon if he gets us Donald.

          What’s the cost on trading up form 14 to 11?

  • MB30SD
  • Trac

    I can’t believe Jeff left out the best inside LB of the draft. You crazy!

    • MB30SD

      Blake costanzo????

  • Big Mike

    In other news..Free Samardzija

  • Big Mike

    Let’s draft Manziel!!!

  • MB30SD
    • They seem TOO in love with him, like a clingy virgin. If Lions trot out Megatron, Watkins and Bush, with actual coaching, they can be dangerous.

      • Shady

        If the Bears draft Dix they should be able to neutralize Bush.

      • MB30SD

        Agree. Stage-5 Clinger!!!

      • Irish Sweetness 4 Tuitt

        Snaps the ball … Stafford drops back …. Donald is through AND STAFFORD IS DOWN!

      • johnnywad

        Megatron and Bush are near the end Butch. Megatron gets his knee drained every ten days or so during the season. That can’t be good. My guess is he will still be the guy you have to worry about, but I think his All Pro days are short lived. Bush is an injury waiting to happen. And they still have a half blind lesbian bar hag throwing them the ball. I’m more concerned about Suh and company than the offense.

  • Artoo

    Hey MB, you free this weekend? I’m going to be in San Diego on the 10th and 11th.

    • MB30SD

      ERIK!!!

      Heck yes! My baby mama gets the kids on sunday for mother’s day. What are you up for my man? Sunday Funday? Surf? Simple lunch? What’s your pleasure my maings?

      • Artoo

        I work until 7-8 on Saturday and 9:30-9 on Sunday.

        I might just leave here Thursday and arrive on Friday if you are free.

        Surfing would be phenomenal lol

        • MB30SD

          wait… 7-8PM on Saturday and 9:30AM to 9PM on sunday?!?!

          WTF!?

          I have the kids Frid night from 5:30 – Sunday morning early. So I’m basically free all sunday.

          What am I missing? Can you surf sunday morning? Help me with your schedule, none of that made sense to me.

          • Artoo

            Sorry lol trying to confirm and sign everything.

            Basically, I work 7 am to 8 pm on Saturday. Sunday, I work 9:30 am to 9 pm.

            I was thinking of showing up on Friday or staying until Monday. Worst case scenario, we can get a simple lunch if you’ll be tied up.

            Anything fun we can do before 9 am on Sunday? Surf?

          • MB30SD

            Jesus christo maings. What the fuck kind of weekend is that?!? Here’s the problem…

            * I have kids till about 8ish AM on sunday, so not enough time to surf
            * We can grab a late dinner and drinks sunday (our only option really)… fuck, just rememberedI have an overnight trip to Laguna with a lady friend planned, but her auntie flo is coming into town (TMI I know) this weekend, so it might get moved. If it gets moved (she’ll see how bad it is by thurs/fri), you’re welcome to stay the night with me and we can do dinner and drinks when you get off work, and breakfast the next morn. I can take you to the airopuerto if you need as well.

            Jesus, nice fucking weekend you pick!! If you were coming next weekend I’d be WIDE open. Come friday morning and we can surf and have lunch or an early dinner before I get the kids.

          • Artoo

            Sounds good, email me your phone number groganerik@gmail.com

          • MB30SD

            sent lad

          • Irish Sweetness 4 Tuitt

            Are we talking menstrual flo here? Are we making plans around having the painters in MB? Sorry for earwigging but you’re kind of in the middle of my blog.

          • Doooonnnn’t Caaaaare!

            Artoo, what is your occupation? Sharecropper?

          • Artoo

            Brand ambassador.

      • Irish Sweetness 4 Tuitt

        At least you didn’t say ‘brunch’.

        Porn shoot Erik? Annapolis sluts #7?

        Baby mamas.

        • MB30SD

          I saved the brunch talk for direct email and texts.

          We’re going to do bruuuuuuunnnncchhhh!!! (yelled in opra voice)

  • Trac

    Factoid: This is the first draft since 2008 that the Bears will have 7 picks.

    • MB30SD

      When did we last have a pick in the top 15 trac?

      • Big Mike

        Do you really want to know… 2008. Chris Williams.
        http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/football/2008/draft/players/30531.html

        • MB30SD

          I know you and I’ve had a rough week, but that was cruel and unusual mike, fuck you!

          (hee hee)

          • Big Mike

            That’s what happens when you have a bunch of fans dying for news with no news to speak of. Draft is too late

          • MB30SD

            if it gave phil a few more days to come up with a better strateegery, I’m in mike.

          • bearsfantillend

            horseshit. Mike is right draft is too late. Emery and his team of scouts have been following most of these guys for several years. if they don’t know who they want to pick by two weeks ago when the draft should have taken place then they should be getting new jobs. Also Emery and company should have known by week 4 of last season what the needs of the team are. Besides, just like everyone else in the world they have know idea how the draft is going to turn out. No one knows what trades are going to happen or if the Vikings are going to run out of time again in their selection. They should have done all their homework on players by now. Two extra weeks is not going to help them with any strateegery. The fans should actually sue the NFL for inflicting this cruel and unusual punishment by making us endure Kiper, McShay, and the rest of the idiots for 2 more weeks. Plus it made Jeff write one of the poorest written blog article that i have ever read of his.

          • Irish Sweetness 4 Tuitt

            I thought his draft was pretty good, and it had trades!

          • bearsfantillend

            I am not a big fan of mock drafts. too many intangibles and what ifs. I think it is just a waste of time. probably a bad choice of words on my part, should have said ‘most irrelevant’ rather than the ‘poorest written’ rather

      • Big Mike

        Before that Cedric Benson (4), Tommie Harris (14) and Michael Haynes (14)

  • Tis the season for mud slinging…

    “An NFL scout called Missouri DE Kony Ealy a “classic con man” who is “one of those ‘let somebody else draft him’ guys.”

    “He thinks he’s already an Aldon Smith-type player,” the
    scout said. “Classic con man. I don’t trust this kid. He will be just
    a big pain in the (expletive). He’s one of those ‘let somebody else
    draft him’ guys.” A second scout called Ealy a “mess,” while another
    said he could be a successful NFL player “if you got the right kind of
    coaching and put a boot into him.” Ealy’s versatility is appealing, but
    he’s a candidate to be overdrafted in a weak defensive-line class. – Roto

    • Shady

      Wow. Who knows if that anonymous *scout* is serious and/or knows what he’s talking about, but it’s just going to take one team to give Ealy an opportunity to prove this guy wrong.

      • I’m surprised. Three separate sources pretty much called Ealy a pain in the ass. Having to put a boot into anybody is not exactly a glowing endorsement.

        • Big Mike

          Or.. they all want him, right. Or he’s that Buflicht guy. Who dropped out of sight and had a good year.

    • MB30SD

      jesus… harsh man.

      Put a boot to him… HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

  • Close your eyes, Irish…

    One scout told the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel that Notre Dame DE Stephon Tuitt and Falcons DE Tyson Jackson are the “same guy.”

    “That’s all he is,” the scout added. “Big dude. Zero pass
    rush.” Opinions vary on Tuitt. Another scout called him “athletic for
    a big man” but questioned his effort by saying “he just kind of wallows
    around.” A third scout said Tuitt plays too “stiff” and “is not
    elite.” 6-foot-6, 300-pound Tuitt projects as a 3-4 end like Jackson,
    but has more pass-rush upside and will likely be a top-50 pick.

    • Irish Sweetness 4 Tuitt

      Given that he’s not been exactly healthy … how do they know ? No pass rush? Tape doesn’t lie. The ball gets snapped, he moves past the OL into their backfield. He’s not a DE project – I’ll accept that. He sprinted AWAY from DBs 75 yards to the endzone. Give me that guy at 51 and it frees us up to get ourselves a safety.

  • Apparently, everyone sucks 2 days before the draft…

    One NFL personnel director told the Milwaukee
    Journal-Sentinel that he believes Minnesota DT Ra’Shede Hageman is a
    “boom or bust.”

    “He’s everything you want but not a very good player,” the
    exec continued. Hageman looks the part at a towering 6’6/310, but his
    work ethic has been brought into question. “He’s raw,” one scout said.
    “He plays high. He plays lazy. He’s out of the game more than he’s in
    the game.” In a poll of 11 scouts from 3-4 teams, Hageman received
    five votes as the best 3-4 end in the draft. Hageman will almost
    certainly be a top-40 selection.

    • Big Mike

      It’s almost comical.

      • I guess every team is going to roll over their 1st round pick to next year.

      • MB30SD

        seriously, that paragraph was like, “he’s shit, he sucks, he’s lazy meh he won’t make it”

        Anya you guys want him?

        (they all bolt up falling and climbing all over each other to be the one to grab his dance card)

    • Shady

      From NFL.com

      DRAFT PROJECTION Top 50

      BOTTOM LINE A raw, converted tight end with a basketball background, Hageman is a big, athletic, finesse three-technique with intriguing dimensions and movement skills who fits best in an aggressive, one-gap scheme where he could fire into gaps. Will probably be restricted to nickel pass-rush duty initially until the game slows down for him, but has impact potential if he ever figures it out. Is still maturing, having endured a harrowing childhood to get to where he is today, and would be best served landing in a structured environment with veteran mentorship. Classic boom-or-bust prospect.

      • DaMurph

        Alonzo Spellman redo. Ill pass.

        • gpldan flying Yak-9

          +90 Points for a Spellman name drop.

          • MB30SD

            I thought that would be -90?

          • gpldan flying Yak-9

            He actually had one good year. Which makes him the same as Pep in my book.

      • their new DL coach is Paul Pasqualoni. Pretty well respected. I dunno how good he is though.

        • Exactly. Marinelli can squeeze the last drop of talent from a defensive loafer. Pasq? Don’t know.

  • ruh-roh

    NFL.com’s Daniel Jeremiah is “hearing” the Vikings are eyeing Pittsburgh DT Aaron Donald at No. 8.

    SI’s Peter King passed along similar sentiments Monday
    morning. Per King, the Vikings are in search of a “front-seven
    disruptor.” Donald certainly fits the bill, but may not fall to No. 8.

    • Shady

      If it happens, Jeff called it first.

      What about your boy Floyd? Sharrif don’t like it.

      • gpldan flying Yak-9

        +1,979 blog points for some Clash-based rhetoric.

      • Sharrif, the freak.

        I think Donald has more upside. But the Vikes had two dominating DTs for a long time. Maybe they’re looking to recreate the Farvre era.

        Even if we had Melton, I would still want Donald.

    • Irish Sweetness 4 Tuitt

      Don’t they need a receiver?

      • Doooonnnn’t Caaaaare!

        Don’t they need a quarterback?

  • Trac

    PFT is floating a rumor that MB’s pal Lovie is seeking to trade up to the #2 spot. They’re guessing he may try and snag Johnny Football.

    • MB30SD

      OH GOD YES!!! PLEASE MAKE THAT HAPPEN!

      Trac, can you please talk to your man upstairs? Pleeeeeaaaase.

      • Trac

        Hahaha

    • Irish Sweetness 4 Tuitt

      Only Lovie could be so bold. Doh!

      • gpldan flying Yak-9

        He punks the Bears by ostensibly market overpaying for McCown by at least $1M, depending on what you think McCown’s objective worth outside the Bucs would have been

        AND THEN….

        The Love Handle mortgages draft picks to move up and steal JOHNNY FOOTBALL from the Factory of Sadness?

        You gotta think McCown ALREADY is second guessing his decision.

        • MB30SD

          That move would be so awesome… so lovie. Just fucking throwing darts blindfolded , doing crazy shit, praying to god something sticks. He’s such a buffoon.

          So much win.

          Mmmmmmm… I can taste that Biltong now Trac.

          • Trac

            Give me that link to that site you order from would ya?

          • MB30SD

            Hahahaha… stop it. No I will not. I will not accept gifts without reason. Spend your money on your boy.

            We have an honest to goodness bet going cowboy. What I really want to bet you is a promise that you’ll go visit the homeland. Cape Town. I’ll have my dad show you around town. Get your love back.

          • Trac

            Fair enough. Hopefully I’ll make it to SA before the Zombies take over or the tall whites return. See how I did that. He he.

          • MB30SD

            thank you for the thought my maings. You’re a good dude.

          • Doooonnnn’t Caaaaare!

            if Lovie moves up to 2 he’s getting Sammy Watkins or Mack attack. He wants the elite receiver because he saw that it can actually HELP A FUCKING OFFENSE or he wants Mack because he wants to create a dominant defense to score points while Josh holds down the fort.

  • Irish Sweetness 4 Tuitt

    Anyone following Billy Bob in Fargo? Go Bears!

  • Irish Sweetness 4 Tuitt

    Second round my ass. We could have Glennon for a 5th. Upside. A little Tresty tinkering …. solid dude.

    http://www.nfl.com/news/story/0ap2000000346963/article/mike-glennon-could-be-traded-for-secondround-pick

    Jordan Palmer people. Jordan Palmer.

  • MB30SD
  • MB30SD
  • MB30SD

    Shady, how’s the online dating going?

    http://www.mandatory.com/2014/05/07/the-women-of-russian-social-networks-have-interesting-profile-pi/

    (actually, the first one standing on the toilet in leopard pumps is kinda hot)

    • johnnywad

      Holy shit. Seriously. Holy shit. WTF is going on in Russia? And what’s the toilet thing? Why are they all on or next to toilets? Does this mean they have indoor plumbing and thereby more desirable? Holy shit.

      • MB30SD

        BINGO!!!

        Like I’ve said a million times, dodgy fucking russians.

        2 halloweens ago, this SMOKING hot FOB (fresh off the boat) russian chick was all over my shit. She basically asked me to take her home. I was sketched out cause she barely spoke english, I mean BARELY, and she’s russian… like *real* russian, so I was picturing waking up in a bathtub of ice missing a kidney (a la Charlie the unicorn), or her poking holes in the rubber.

        I bailed out… my one buddy who was with me still doesn’t forgive me to this day. Funny thing is I have a pic with her on my online dating profile. HAHAHAHA!

        • gpldan flying Yak-9

          Funny thing is I have a pic with her on my online dating profile. HAHAHAHA!

          Profile URL, please. Pretty please.

          • MB30SD

            yeah right. Hahaha… give me your email and a promise not to share it with anyone and I MIGHT send you the pic. (NOT my profile… although my online game is flawless) Hahahaha

          • gpldan flying Yak-9
          • MB30SD

            damn, you found it.

          • gpldan on DRAFT DAY

            http://www.theawl.com/2012/03/online-dating-horror-stories

            The one about the Manatee makes me laugh my ass off, i don’t know why.

          • MB30SD

            so. awesome.

            This one made me LALZ, not sure why… maybe raccoons (and weasels for that matter) are just funny?

            He spent one-third of the time telling me about the musical he was writing about raccoons, one-third of the time talking about C++, and one-third of the time demonstrating the plot of Othello using the salt and pepper shakers.

        • tobijohn

          That is too funny. Unfortunately, the sad thing is that would have been my exact line of logic as well…

    • Shady

      I’m noticing a theme of leopard print, horrendous makeup, energy drink showers and toilets… It’s like they know!

  • MB30SD
    • Doooonnnn’t Caaaaare!

      lol, hilarious.

  • What did the scouts say about some Forte, B-Marsh, Peanut, Lambo, Cutty etc? Check it out.

    http://www.chicagobears.com/news/article-1/Draft-capsules-of-current-Bears-players/8549e4ff-4099-4c0a-875f-aec8d498b3be

  • MB30SD

    Hey $, I HATE your new handle… maybe because I know it’s right, but I really don’t want it to be so.

    • 2-2 under Emery. We’re all excited. Watching the clock. Wondering when the fuck those other teams before us will pick already. An uneasy spreads through radio hall. Then, those magic robotic words…The Bears are now on the clock.

      Oh, who will Emery take!? Oh, so and so is still available. Oh, how about [insert highly touted name]. Man [another consensus stud] would look good at Soldier.

      Then, with the (whatever selection) the Bears select, some 3rd round risers that only a scout in Kansas mocked in the first round. And everyone, once more, becomes a deflated tire.

      Even if it ends up being a great pick (like Long), I don’t expect to get a “happy ending”. I expect blue balls.

      • MB30SD

        yeah, I know. Sucks. I have my hopes up for you know who or you know who… or in a crazy mix of events, even you know who and then take you know who in the 2nd to fix our two most gaping holes.

        Fuck man, just hope he does the logical, no-brainer thing.

        • I could easily envision Emery drafting Bucannon at 14. And it would be “meh” for me.
          We might never be this high again the way we’re loaded, so E better not fuck it up, maings. His championship roster starts now. 5 years from now I want to see a documentary entitled “The Wizard of Oz” about how Emery built a dynasty from the 2014 draft.

          Overly demanding? you betcha. Mmmbearsss.

  • Speaking of dating profiles, I ran across the perfect one for GP, or MB. You guys can flip a coin for first dibs.

    http://www.pof.com/viewprofile.aspx?profile_id=70981274

    • gpldan on DRAFT DAY

      Proud owner of a 2013 Audi R8 V10 with underground racing’s stage 2 turbo kit, HRE P40SC in satin black with Michellin Super Sport tires, 255/35 and 325/25. KW coilovers, capristo valvetronic titanium exhaust system, and 5% window tint lol

      Awwwwww….. daaaaayyyyuuumm baby.

      • Thought that might get you guys off. That, and she’s an Asian with boobs.

      • MB30SD

        Hahahahahahaha!

        Not really into asian girls. No offense and sorry jokey. My brother married a korean girl if it makes you feel any better. I like mine as WASPy as possible for some odd reason.

        She seems like a trainwreck. Also POF is ghetto.

  • The one guy I would have loved to talk draft with is Al Davis. By most accounts, Davis could forget more about football than other GMs could ever learn. Didn’t mean he made the right choices (esp Senile Al Davis), but man I bet he could give you a colorful indepth scouting report on a 12th round flier.

    Still the only dude with the guts/madness to draft a punter in the first. The logic being that a great punter makes the other team regularly have to get an extra 20 yards to score. That’s some sabremetrics before the term even existed. That’s some Emery shit right there.

  • New thread.

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