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Data Entry: Twitter Edition

| November 12th, 2024

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159 Comments

Alley/Hobo: A Short Play on Bears v. Patriots

| November 11th, 2024


Mark and James, both in their early 70s, sit in the same barstools they’ve occupied on football Sundays for thirty plus years. In this bar they talk to no one but each other and the bartender, a lanky fella that knows when one Miller High Life is empty, another should take its place. 

Mark: Did it matter?

James: Did what matter?

Mark: What happened there, did it matter?

James: Everything matters.

Mark: Sure, everything matters, in the existential sense, everything matters, but does everything really matter?

James: I guess that’s a question of perspective, isn’t it?

Mark: Is it?

James: I think so.

Mark: Explain.

James: A man walks into a dark alleyway in the middle of the night. He sees a figure lurking in the shadows behind him.

Mark: Eerie.

James: Right?

Mark: Go on.

James. Thank you. (Beat) He sees this figure and knows he has no choice but physical altercation. This figure is set on menace, and diplomacy won’t dissolve the situation.

Mark: He has to fight the figure.

James: He does.

Mark: Does he?

James: He does!

Mark: Okay.

James: The figure emerges.

Mark: I’m frightened.

James: Fuck off.

Mark: Go on.

James. Thank you. (Beat) The figure emerges and it’s a drunken bum. Down on his luck, stinky hobo, hoping to rip this guy off for a few bucks so he can get a 40 of Old English from the corner. Man gives him a shove. Bum falls down. Situation handled.

Mark: Not very impressive.

James. No, it’s not.

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Patriots at Bears Game Prediction!

| November 8th, 2024


  • The Bears just played a terrible Cardinals defense and scored nine points. Do we expect them to be significantly better simply by playing at home? Is DJ Moore going to suddenly start caring more?
  • Pats are among the league’s worst pass rushing units, registering only 16 sacks thus far. Again, does that matter right now? It seems unlikely this OL can hold up for four quarters against anyone.
  • The secret stat behind the Bears even being 4-4? They are +7 in turnover differential. That puts them fifth in the league behind Buffalo (+11), Detroit (+11), Pittsburgh (+10) and the LA Chargers (+9). This is a different season for the Bears if their turnover differential is closer to league average. (The Pats are -3, and this is a point to watch on Sunday. If the Pats don’t turn it over, these teams are far more evenly matched that folks realize.)
  • The only team converting third downs at a worse clip than the Bears is the Browns. Does this have any relevance to Sunday? I’m not sure.
  • It will not surprise me at all if the Patriots win this game. But I just don’t think the Bears are that bad. So, I’m predicting them to reach an incredibly tedious 5-4, prolonging the Eberflus conversation another week.

Chicago Bears 16, New England Patriots 13

 

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Patriots at Bears: A Game Preview for a Game I’m Sure I’ll See

| November 7th, 2024


Why Do I Like the Chicago Bears This Week?

I.

Always.

Like.

THE.

Chicago.

Bears.


A Potentially Historic Sunday at DBB

I used to write an awful lot about football around here, but that was at a time when there were fewer people saturating the market (with mostly boring material). Now I write about Sidney Lumet, and one-act game reactions. Why? Because no one else does that. And if this isn’t going to make me rich, it’s certainly going to make me smile.

Since the fall of 2000, I have missed one Bears game. 24 years. One game. I was in Ireland and spent more than an hour at a pay phone, as my buddy Josh relayed to me the play-by-play of a Bears victory over the Vikings in 2005. I’ve been late to a grandfather’s funeral. I’ve watched the Bears from a Paris hotel in the middle of the night. If they’re playing, I’m watching, and it’s been that way for two and a half decades.

This Sunday, at the Jacob Burns Film Center in Pleasantville, NY, I’ll be presenting one of my favorite films, the 1957 classic Sweet Smell of Success. It will start at 11 AM, with my introduction, followed by a twenty-minute lecture by yours truly and a Q&A. I won’t be leaving the theater until around 2 PM. There is a bar in Pleasantville that will be showing the Bears v. Patriots, and honestly, I will more than likely hustle over there for the end of Q2 and second half. But why I will do that is becoming something of a mystery.

I was so excited about this team a few weeks ago that I went to Washington D.C. to see them. Now, I’m not despondent or dejected. I’m apathetic. I’ve seen this story before, many times. It’s still boring. You want me to use this space to talk about New England’s turnover differential or third-down conversion percentage? You want me to pick three Bears under pressure? Why? You want me to keep a window on my phone open during the Q&A and double-time it to Foley’s on Sunday? I may do that! But it’ll be more instinct than excitement.

I’ll make a prediction tomorrow, and I’ll probably predict the Bears to win. But honestly, it’s more interesting if they lose! If they lose, there’s something to write about Monday morning, something to talk about. Clearly this structure is not working and it’s not going to work. Something has to change. But this is the Chicago Bears. Something always has to change.

Sunday, at least for me, will be a change.

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Audibles From the Long Snapper: Pressure Mounts

| November 6th, 2024


It is a season drifting away. Again.

  • This was supposed to be a season where the Bears transitioned to a winning culture. Instead, according to Adam Jahns, they are once again on the brink of a coaching change.
  • Brad Biggs suggests it is time for the Bears to consider making a play caller change on offense. He’s not wrong, but the broader point is Matt Eberflus will certainly make that move as soon as he feels his future is in jeopardy. Does he feel that pressure now?
  • One of the strangest developments of the 2024 season has been the pathetic and inexcusable attitude of DJ Moore. Sunday, despite various internet excuses, he walked off the field mid-play. His head coach had the opportunity to defend him. He declined. These two men won’t be in the same locker room much longer.
  • Drake Maye v. Caleb Williams should have been a fun storyline in Chicago this week. It is, in Massachusetts.
  • Flus trails only Doug Pederson in the “next coach fired” odds, and it is historically a bad bet. The Bears have never fired a coach in-season. But if the Bears lose, at home, to a two-win Pats team with a rookie quarterback, how can there not be serious conversations about moving on at Halas Hall?

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The In-Between, or Eberflus.

| November 4th, 2024

Deidre and Colleen are seated in their golf start, waiting for the group ahead of them to tee off at Talking Stick. Deidre smokes cigar. Colleen sips a gin and tonic. It is 6:30 AM.

Deidre: It’s a dry heat.

Colleen: Then why am I drenched at six o’clock in the morning.

Deidre: I hate that word.

Colleen: What word?

Deidre: Drenched.

Colleen: What word would you prefer I use?

Deidre: I don’t care.

Colleen: Sweaty? Saturated? Moistened?

Deidre: Towels are moistened, not human.

Colleen: I’ve been moistened.

Beat.

Deidre: How do you know?

Colleen: How do I know what?

Deidre: When it’s time to go, when it’s time to stop doing something.

Colleen: What are you talking about?

Deidre: We do things, human being. We do things because we’re supposed to, because that’s what you do. But how do you know when to stop doing a thing?

Colleen: You’re talking about Eberflus.

Deidre: I’m talking about Eberflus.

Colleen: It’s time.

Deidre: Is it?

Colleen: Time.

Deidre: Okay.

Beat.

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