An early morning at Staples. Cathy and Jake are pacing back forth down the overcomplicated printer aisle.
JAKE: I love you, Cathy.
CATHY: You should.
JAKE: But I hate being here.
CATHY: There are too many printers.
JAKE: A lot.
CATHY: They all do different things.
JAKE: They do.
CATHY: What are we looking for?
JAKE: What?
CATHY: What’s most important?
JAKE: Printing.
CATHY: They all print, ass.
JAKE: Do they all print well?
CATHY: How the fuck am I supposed to know how they print. They’re sitting on a shelf. We buy one, we take it home, we connect it, it prints. That’s when we learn how they print.
JAKE: We could read reviews.
CATHY: From who?
JAKE: Whom.
CATHY: Fuck you.
JAKE: Reviews from people. On the internet.
CATHY: Do you think we should really be trusting the kinds of people who review printers on the internet?
JAKE: The way I see it –
CATHY: See what?
JAKE: Let me finish.
CATHY: Okay.
JAKE: The way I see it, we have two options. We can buy one of these reliable guys. Nothing exciting. You hit print; they print. You know what you’re getting, in standard black and white.
CATHY: Which are those?
JAKE: This here, the Rivera1985, or the HP-Carroll73. Steady.
CATHY: Is that what we’re looking for? Steady?
JAKE: It’s an option.
CATHY: What’s the other option?
JAKE: One of these newer, sexier machines. One of these machines that can do a whole range of things.
CATHY: Tell me more. Tell me more about what they can do.
JAKE: Are you getting turned on?
CATHY: (lying) No.
JAKE: Are you getting turned on in the fucking printer aisle at Staples?
CATHY: (still lying) I’m not.
CATHY walks over to a large printer and runs her soft hands over it.
CATHY (cont’d): What does this one do?
JAKE: Cathy –
CATHY: It’s so big.
JAKE: Enough.
CATHY: I’m not sure our office could even handle it.
JAKE: Cathy, focus!
CATHY: Woo. (takes a breath) Okay.
JAKE: Are you focused?
CATHY: Sure.
JAKE: You’re not!
CATHY: I just want to have my hands on it.
JAKE: Cathy…
CATHY: I’ll stop.
JAKE: Will you?
CATHY: I will not.
JAKE: I really don’t want to be in this aisle all day.
CATHY: The printers.
JAKE: Right.
CATHY: What do you prefer?
JAKE: I think we need a new, sexier option.
CATHY: Yes.
JAKE: This here, the Johnson –
CATHY: Johnson?!
JAKE: It’s very well regarded. So is the Monken3000.
CATHY: So what’s stopping us?
JAKE: Tradition. History. It’s just not something we have done, Cathy.
CATHY: Jake, we’ve always done what we’ve done and you know what happens?
JAKE: What?
CATHY: We end up back in this aisle looking at new printers.
JAKE: You’re right.
CATHY: So, maybe it’s time we change our approach.
JAKE: I agree.
CATHY: Good.
JAKE: I love you.
CATHY: You should.
End of scene.
