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The Diary of a Boozer (Off the Booze)

| March 14th, 2017

Guinness Reflection by Jeff Hughes, Sarah Scully & Robert Varcoe (2016)

GENERAL NOTES ON THE DIARY.

I don’t write much about my life on here. But this was a personal journey and since I have this platform, this is where I’m choosing to share it.

Each diary entry will be written on the date specified. It will be edited for grammar at the end of this eight-week dry run but the thoughts will not be altered in any way. How I feel at the moment of writing is how I feel.

 To spare yourself reading this entire piece on the internet, you can download the PDF format here: Diary of a Boozer Off The Booze.


January 23, 2017

I drink.

But what I’ve done over the last decade plus is more than just drinking. I’ve made bars a central preoccupation of my life.

Hard day’s work? Edge offers at 5 o’clock.

Traveling to Spiddal, Ireland…Dinan, France…Groveland, California? Pints in the oldest bar a must and texts to my uncle will follow. (Can’t go wrong with Tigh Hughes, Saint-Saveur and Iron Door respectively.)

Theatre tickets? Drinks before. If it’s good or really bad, way more drinks after.

Bears game on? Josie Woods for endless Coors Lights.

Most of the great stories of my life have occurred with a drink in my hand.

Since 2003 there have probably been three weeks where I didn’t have a single drink. Two of which involved devil viruses that left me sweating through tee-shirts on a dirty couch, coming to-and-fro consciousness during random episodes of the Twilight Zone.

The other just wrapped. It is the first of eight intended weeks without a drop of alcohol. Why? Because I’m hitting the reset button on my drinking life.

I never wanted booze to become routine. I never wanted to lose the enjoyment of that first sip of Guinness. And I have. I stopped deriving pleasure from the experience. It just became a thing I did. I took a shit before I let the house in the morning. I drank beers at night. Bar, couch, it didn’t matter.

This eight weeks is a pilgrimage and my Canterbury Cathedral is remembering why I love drinking in the first place.

And as confident as I was in this endeavor, I’m starting the diary on Day Eight because who the fuck knew if I’d make it this far?

Coming off a wild weekend in New Orleans, I had theatre tickets Thursday night with the lady and the NFL conference championship games Sunday. Vegas had me 4-1 to make it to Monday morning.

What did I learn over the first seven days?

  1. I’m not an actual alcoholic. You might think this is a small thing but it was refreshing to not crave alcohol at any point over this initial week. I didn’t get the shakes or panic attacks. I didn’t even have night sweats, which fucking shocked me.
  2. Twice I was able to sit in my local for multiple hours, drinking club soda with a splash of orange juice, and exist. What’s bizarre is how your mindset changes. First, it’s cheap as shit. Second, I didn’t have to walk into the door of the Copper Kettle and write off the remainder of the day. I could walk out later and watch a movie, cook dinner, write. The lady didn’t have to expect me to return to the apartment and fall onto the couch like a bag of shit and start snoring before the end of 60 Minutes.
  3. The lady and I saw the brilliant Oh Hello! on Broadway Thursday night. We had dinner at a Mexican bar/restaurant in Hell’s Kitchen first. Club soda. I wanted the Negra Modelo on tap – because Negra Modelo on tap is like drinking beer directly from sweet keg of the Lord Almighty – but…club soda. Splash of orange juice. We left after some great tacos and popped into an Italian restaurant for coffee and dessert. Coffee and dessert. Who knew? (All the non-drinkers, that’s who.) Then I walked into a Broadway house to see a show without a drink in me for the first time in at least a decade. Was the night different? Very. Was the night great? It sure was. It didn’t make me wanna stop drinking altogether, by any means, but it showed me there were laughs and good times to be had without it.

I tried this last year as something of a challenge to myself. This year it’s different. It’s a quest. And this diary, who knows, maybe it’ll become something I share with people who are actually struggling with booze. Or maybe it’ll be something I never show another person.

Either way…cheers.

January 24, 2017

The second part of not drinking for 8 weeks is going to the gym, every day, for that entire period. There are four kinds of people at the gym.

  • Survivors. These are people like me who are there so we don’t die before 60. We do cardio and weight machines and fuck around with medicine balls like we’re training Jack Dempsey in 1919. We don’t actually have a fucking clue what we’re doing but we know sweating is a good thing so we sweat a lot and go home. The survivor’s number one goal when they enter the gym is to get the fuck out of the gym.
  • Flies. These are people you look at and wonder, “Do you ever go anywhere else?” They have muscles in places you didn’t know existed and seem to spend hours chatting between the actual lifting of things. When they do lift things they grunt loud enough to make Monica Seles shit her pants. They are always drinking thick, weirdly colored beverages out of unmarked plastic bottles.
  • Whores. These are people who spend way too much time on their appearance before they come to the gym. The guys use hair gel, fucking HAIR GEL, and then work out. What happens when that shit sweats into your eyes? The woman have their outfits planned out to the point where they know the angle the ripped tee shirt will dangle quietly off the left shoulder. They know people are looking and they soak up every moment. I call them ‘whores’ only because I imagine their goal in coming to the gym is getting fucked in the shower.
  • This One Broad. I was on an elliptical recently and there was a woman, all of 25, on the elliptical to my left. She was speaking on her cell phone, holding it in her right hand. In her left hand was a cup of coffee. I have nothing else to say about this girl other than I immediately, and without reservation, hated everything about her.

I’m not weighing in. Not making this about physical appearance. I don’t want to let short-term success impact long-term goals. 8 weeks with a shit load of exercise and no booze…can’t be a bad thing.


January 25, 2017

I woke up and wanted to drink. Not at that moment, it was 5:15 in the goddamn morning. But as I sipped coffee on the couch and watched Rick Steves weasel his way through fucking Latvia I felt a little sad that I wouldn’t be drinking again for 51 days.

So what does that mean? Well, for one thing, it’s clear I’m not going to be going on the dry permanently. No, that was never the goal but part of me wondered if I would lose the taste for it the way people who give up fast food for Lent find themselves pretty happy not to pull into that drive-thru after Easter.

It also means this is going to be harder than I expected. If I’m dreaming of frothy pints of Guinness on Day Nine, I could end up jerking off in the window of the Copper Kettle by the middle of next week.


January 26, 2017

I was at the gym at 7:30 this morning. Let me tell you something. That ain’t happening if I have ten pints of Guinness in the system from the night before. My normal routine is to wake up before six, feed the cats and drop in and out of consciousness for three hours while spilling coffee on my torn underwear.

On Day Ten a few things are very clear. I’m sleeping better. I have way more energy. And my production levels are through the roof. It’s almost like booze is bad is for you.


January 27, 2017

“His name was Costanza. He killed my mother.”

Let me walk you through last night.

The lady and I ate dinner around six o’clock. I went to sleep around ten thirty. In between those two events were four hours which, during this period of intense sobriety, I needed to KILL.

And that’s the right language. Kill. Sure, the games of iPad Scrabble are fun. Yes I enjoyed the Seinfeld reruns, seeing three smart people fumble an easy Arthur Miller/Death of a Salesman Final Jeopardy and watching Mad Max: Fury Road for the 115th time. (It is a piece of pure cinema; a masterpiece of uncommon visual dimension.) But I will never understand how so many people live like this day in and day out. They go to work. Come home. Watch TV. Go to sleep. Repeat.  How? How do they do it without suffocating from the boredom of it all?

Ultimately, this is The Boozer’s Dilemma. Because I went to a bar one night, I met the woman I love, who shares my home and kitties. Because I went to a bar one afternoon I met a girl who ended up handing me her job at as Assistant General Manager of the Helen Hayes Theatre on Broadway (which subsequently led to my entire theatre career). Because I went to a bar one morning in Chicago I met Rick Pearson, the chief political writer for the Tribune, who’s become one of my favorite people on the planet. So many of the great laughs I’ve had, the interesting stories I’ve heard, the fascinating people I’ve met…so many of them are the result of “because I went to a bar”.

Nothing happens to you when you sit on your couch. Nothing is ever gonna happen to you when you sit on your couch. Nothing interesting is going to knock on your door, unless your drug dealer has your home address. The best episode of the best TV show is still just a fucking TV show and with On Demand technology you could watch that at 8 AM and have the same experience.

I’m getting edgy. I need a drink.


January 28, 2017

Last night the lady went out and I stayed home. In the past, the lady going out would mean I spend the night guzzling Guinness down the street and pass out well before she returns, leaving a plume of Guinness fart from the front door to the bedroom.

Last night, I watched Schindler’s List.

I know what you’re thinking. “How great that you watched Schindler’s List on Holocaust Remembrance Day!” Well, yes, it was Holocaust Remembrance Day. I just didn’t realize that until the Schindler Jews had already been liberated by that Russian dude on the horse. I watched Schindler’s List because I really like Schindler’s List. I don’t know who holds the record for having seen Schindler’s List the most times but I have to think I’m top ten.

I should have started this entry with “Dear Kitty”.


January 29, 2017

Last night we went to the Kettle for dinner. No big deal. Had the ribs. Not bad. Met some friends. Spent three hours hanging and it wasn’t really uncomfortable.

Then something interesting happened.

As the lady and I were basically ready to walk out the door, other friends walked in and ordered drinks. This was probably 10 o’clock. And this is the point where all my other nights out would find their second wind and I’d be off and running. Convincing the lady to have “one more”, buying rounds…etc. This was the moment in the past where a night out turned into a session.

I left.

If I’m not watching a game, or watching the golf, I’ve learned I have a window for being in a bar without drinking. It’s probably three hours. After that point it’s just too much club soda (splash of OJ). Too many trips to the bathroom.

But really it’s simpler than that.

Forget the booze.

Say you love crossword puzzles. They’re your favorite thing. And one night you go to a party and everybody in the room is doing a crossword puzzle. But you…you’re not allowed to do one. If you stayed home, you wouldn’t give a shit. At home you can totally forget the outside world exists. But at the party, you have to watch each person fill in those little boxes. And it would take nothing for you to grab a newspaper and a pencil and just go to town but you FUCKING CAN’T.

It’s not hard to become jealous pretty damn quick.


January 30, 2017

Day 14.

2 weeks.

25% of the way to the Promised Land.

When I go to sleep tonight I will have not touched alcohol for a fortnight…for the first time since I started drinking alcohol.

I’d love to celebrate this achievement. But the only way I know how is not allowed.


January 31, 2017

This hasn’t been easy. I’m having fun writing this diary but I’m probably downplaying how legitimately hard it’s been to do what I’ve been doing. And this morning I woke up and realized I HAVE SIX FUCKING WEEKS OF THIS SHIT LEFT.

What’s keeping me going?

The weight loss.

No, I am not making this eight weeks about losing weight. I haven’t even weighed myself. But based on the at least ten pounds I’ve dropped so far and the reemergence of the bones in my face, I’m now fascinated to see how I’m going to look on March 17th when this is done.

Here was the math I did yesterday.

Having gone to the gym every day for fourteen days, I figure I’ve burned an average of 600-700 calories with each visit. Let’s take the low end and call it 6. 600 x 14 = 8400 calories.

Then let’s say I average 6 beers a day. I pile em up on weekends so I think that’s fair. And let’s take Guinness as the barometer, at 125 calories per. That’s 10,500 calories.

So in the two weeks I got 18,900 calories less in the system from just the workouts and not drinking. That means when this thing is done I will be sitting at about 100,000 calories less. That’s borderline insane and probably says more about how I was living before these eight weeks than how I’m living during them.


February 1, 2017

I miss the drinking, not the drink.

Coming home from the gym today I popped into the Kettle just after they opened. Somewhere around 10:30. The only people in there were Pat the owner, Brogy the bartender and Marie the waitress. I spent ten minutes in there chatting. The topic? My not drinking.

Listen, I know I’m annoying about this whole process with other people. When you drastically change one of the fundamental elements of your life, it’s very hard to think about much else.

But what’s been interesting is how other people have responded. Some are generally surprised I’ve made it this far. Some keep waiting for me to fall back into the ocean. But a few seem genuinely perplexed that I’ve been able to do it and don’t seem miserable.

It’s not that I don’t seem miserable. It’s that I’m not miserable.

I miss the drinking, not the drink.

And as long as I can go hang in a bar with my club sodas (splash of orange) for a few hours, March 17th feels more like the finish line to a race than the end of a prison sentence.


February 2, 2017

“When Chekhov saw the long winter, he saw a winter bleak and dark and bereft of hope. Yet we know that winter is just another step in the cycle of life. But standing here among the people of Punxsutawney and basking in the warmth of their hearths and hearts, I couldn’t imagine a better fate than a long and lustrous winter.” -Phil Connors, Groundhog Day

You know what’s strange? So many people have asked me this question:

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO FOR THE SUPER BOWL IF YOU’RE NOT DRINKING?!?!

I don’t know, just watch the fucking Super Bowl. (I wish there was a font called Intense Sarcasm.)

People always assume boozers get boozed up at the wrong times. The Super Bowl, New Year’s Eve, St. Patrick’s Day do nothing for us. We drink about 300 days a years. Why would we want to get drunk the times everybody else does?

The truth of this process has been that a good sporting event on television is what’s saving me. It’s when there’s no sports on television, especially at night, that I want to rip the flesh off my face. Super Bowl Sunday is a gold mine for me. I have something to occupy me.

Monday is the problem.


February 3, 2017

I looked down the barrel of a pint of Guinness last night.

Down the Kettle to pull the numbers for the Super Bowl boxes, a buddy of mine came in and ordered a pint of the muck. I look at it, the way a convict looks at a woman after ten years in the can. I would have done things to that Guinness. Things you shouldn’t do to a beverage. Things you should never do in public.

Here’s a haiku:

I wanna get drunk

On my dark and frothy gold

And fart. Oh yes, fart!


February 4, 2017

This diary can’t just be about how much I want to drink booze for the next 41 days, can it? I have a feeling that will get boring.

Last night I saw Scorsese’s The King of Comedy at the American Museum of the Moving Image in Astoria. And I had the response I always have when I sit through a great piece of film or theatre. It made me want to run from the theatre, buy a notebook and pen at the local bodega and just start writing on a park bench. (It’s way too fucking cold currently to do that.) King is not only a great movie. It’s a wholly unique one. It’s dark and funny and exciting and unlike anything that was put on film before it.

In a lot of ways it’s the precursor to many movies I have loved since. Joe Versus the Volcano has some of its bizarre tendencies. The Cable Guy and Death to Smoochy take on the same basic themes with a deeper layer of darkness. These characters need to perform. But more to the point, they need to be loved.

I wouldn’t have been in that theater last night if I were drinking. I would have been drinking. But there’s always something going on in this city to occupy my time if I have the financial wherewithal to take advantage. Screening. Play. Singer. Exhibition. Something is always going on and I’m taking advantage now.


February 5, 2017

Super Bowl Sunday.

A bit of history.

The original intention of this eight-week booze sabbatical was to start tomorrow, the day after the Super Bowl. When the scheme was originally hatched it was only going to be a month. But then New Orleans happened. I boozed myself out. The start date got moved up. The length was extended.

One interesting development has been the reaction of people in the Kettle to all of this. They still see me sitting there, drinking my pints of club soda (splash of orange). They must assume I’m pounding 10-12 vodkas in an hours because that’s the rate I’m putting back the clubs.

Then I just leave, something else they’re not used to. And I get the “where ya going?” Then I have to explain the whole thing and you know what the most common response I’m getting is?

Good. For. You.

I get the sense many want to do something similar. I get the sense many people realize they are in a drinking rut and don’t have the motivation to do anything about it. This fucking process is hard and boring and tiring and frustrating and can leave a venerable boozer wanting to rip limbs off if only to give himself something to do.

It’s also the healthiest I’ve felt in a decade.

My buddy Matt and I have Patriot 0, Falcons 7 in the $500 box. If your final score is 30-27 Pats, we clear twenty-five grand. If we clear twenty-five grand, the diary will have a different tone tomorrow.


February 6, 2017

Yesterday I sat in the window of the Kettle and watched the Super Bowl, slamming club soda (splash of OJ) like I’d spent the previous three weeks in the desert. To my left was John Brogan, day barkeep at the Kettle, who takes off the drink from January 2 until Palm Sunday every year. In front of me Padraig, the former barkeep at a joint on Queens Boulevard, now working in the city, who does the same. There we were, the 4S – Super Sunday Sobriety Society.

Today I remember every snap of the Super Bowl. I woke up this morning at 5 am and was able to write a coherent, eight-point piece on the game. You might think “remembering every snap of the Super Bowl” is not a noteworthy point but let me tell you…it sure as hell is. Normally these games are viewed through a boozy haze and most of my memories of them come from the endless highlights I see in the days that follow.

Yesterday I made a decision. I don’t know if five weeks from now I’ll stick with it but the decision was made in that front window. From my birthday weekend until St. Patrick’s Day – every year moving forward – I’m not drinking. For ten months a year, I can booze it up. And for two, I’ll hit reset.


February 7, 2017

Week four begins today.

Forget about what I said yesterday. I’m definitely not doing this every year.


February 8, 2017

I told someone yesterday that I hadn’t been drinking. And their question was, “Have you gained any weight?”

“Why would I gain weight?” I asked.

“I’ve heard people who quit drinking gain weight because they compensate for lack of booze with other foods.”

How much food do you have to eat to compensate for a dozen Guinness every day? Is that the problem alky scotch drinkers have? They stop hitting the Dewars and turn to profiteroles?

Every day I realize more and more how most people have no issue having three beers or so and calling it a day. I’m envious as hell of that.


February 9, 2017

I bought tickets to see August Wilson’s Jitney – a play I love – on Broadway Saturday night. The lady and I are going for fancy steak frites on Valentine’s Day. We’re seeing a jazz singer at Highline Ballroom next Friday night. The week after we’re seeing the new Mamet play at Atlantic Theatre Company.

Why?

Because I have extra money now.

That’s about $450 in tickets. I didn’t blink.

Every year I go to Chicago, usually for a week. During that week the lady and do everything. Markets, museums, theatre, comedy shows, jazz…etc. We soak the city up. We never do that in New York, the city we live in.

That’s changed during this drinkless run. And it’s becoming one of the great lessons of this period. If the two of us go out to a bar for the night, the bill is inevitably $150. That’s tickets to a potentially great play. That’s hearing music we’ve never heard before. That’s filling our lives with something that can greatly enhance them.

Priorities. Drinking is great. And we’re still going to do it. But I’ve learned over the first three and a half weeks of this eight week run that it’s time to stop complaining about the things I don’t like about NYC and start taking advantage of everything it has to offer. If that means sacrificing a few nights out, so be it.

Chicago has been the mistress and we’ve fucked the shit out of her. It’s time to start fucking the wife.


February 10, 2017

When I had conversations with non-boozers I was amazed by the amount of shitty TV they watched. Shows about pawn shops. Shows that spend an hour remodeling a motorcycle. Shows on network television! Well after 24 days of life on the wagon, I have to say…I get it.

If you live with another person, and you’re hellbent on not going out, there is very little you can do communally on the average weeknight besides watch TV. You can read, sure. But that’s a solitary endeavor. You can write but if you’re like me and you’ve been writing all damn day the last thing you want to do at night is continue fucking writing. (Also, if reading is solitary, writing is extremely solitary.)

TV. That’s it.

It’s right there in front of you and you pay for it so why not? But TV is a lot of crap. We pay for about 250 viable channels, I’d say. (The numbers go to like 1000 but about 75% of them show things that a human being would never watch.) On the 250 channels, at any given moment, there’s 3 things TOPS that don’t make me want to scream into a pillow.

I find myself watching food channels all night long. Shows where people compete against each other using shitty ingredients. Shows where bald guys go to cities and eat stuff. I don’t give a shit about single thing on the screen but that doesn’t stop me from weighing in on every single moment.

Today is Friday. Tonight is Friday night. And there are about 30 episodes of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives on.  35 days left.


February 12, 2017

“Car service”

If you’ve never seen an August Wilson play, I don’t know how to describe them to you. The sets, the characters, the dialogue are all intensely naturalistic but you are somehow hovering above the realm of the natural; between the world of the poetic and the spiritual. Plot’s not too big a concern for August. He’s after your soul. Plot is how he gets to it.

Jitney, for me, has always been a play about how we define ourselves in the world. (Yes, something I’ve been thinking an awful lot about lately.) How do we establish and pronounce who we are?

The character Fielding is a drunk.

Turnbo is a gossip.

Youngblood is a man trying to do right.

The complications in the play come from the father/son dynamic of Becker and Booster – both struggling to define themselves because their identities are so wrapped up in one another. Becker is unfulfilled because he does not have a son, a namesake, of which to be proud. Booster is unfulfilled because he lacks his father’s love.

My identity won’t be wrapped up in booze anymore. I’m going to drink. I’m going to enjoy the hell out of life. But I don’t want it to be the first line in my obituary. “Jeff Hughes was fun to drink with.” There’s got to be more than that.


February 13, 2017

Listen, I never promised you this diary was going to be fucking Ulysses. It was never going to be a tome you kept at the bedside for years, nightly pulling a few new nuggets from a deeper reading of the material. Today will be day 28, four weeks, a full month…and honestly I’m not sure how much more I’m going to be learn.


February 14, 2017

I am bored out of my mind.

I write all day. That starts as early as 8 or 9 in the morning and goes pretty strong until 5 or 6 in the afternoon. Last night when I finally closed the computer, I looked up and it was 5:45 and I thought, “Holy shit, what am I gonna do for the next five hours?”

Not drinking during the week won’t be hard come mid-March because I will have the weekends and the Guinness. But right now, with the weekends no different from the week days, with every day seemingly blending into one blurry exercise in How Much Cable TV Can I Watch, I’m just bored.

There’s nothing I can do. My buddy Matt said that this was a dumb time to take this on because without golf I’d want to kill myself. He may have been right. I could be at the range at night in April or May. But once it gets warm, I REALLY wanna drink so that wouldn’t have worked either.

For the next month, I just have to embrace the boredom. That’s my life until March 17. Keep working. Keep writing. Take advantage the insane amount of lucidity that comes from sobriety. But understand, it ain’t gonna be exciting.


February 15, 2017

Profiteroles.

Puff pastry filled ice cream. The whole deal covered in warm chocolate sauce and topped with shaved almonds.

Profiteroles. Quite possibly my favorite thing.

I never really knew about how good desserts at restaurants can be. When you drink, you don’t go down that road. You have your 3-5 beers during dinner and by the time the meal itself is over, you’re either ready to swing over to the bar or head to the next joint to properly finish the night. You don’t even consider a cup of coffee and a chocolate mousse, or crème brulee, or some goddamn slap-your-ass profiteroles.

This newfound passion ain’t helping in the weight loss department. But sure is softening the fall of sobriety.


February 16, 2017

I do an hour on the elliptical 5 days a week. The biggest hurdle for me every session is not the physical part, that isn’t very hard. It’s the intense boredom. I can put on a soccer game. I can watch golf. I can throw on endless episodes of The West Wing. It doesn’t matter. There will still be a moment when I look up and realize only like 11 minutes have gone by and then the boredom sets in.

That stops once I hit minute 31. Because minute 31 means we’re coming down the other side of the mountain. My brain sees minute 31 as 9 minutes away from being 20 minutes til the end. Yes, I know that’s mathematically insane but it works for me.

Today is minute 31. Somehow the breakdown of this two months off ended up being 59 days, thanks to the strategic involvement of February. Yesterday was day 30. So I now have fewer days remaining of sobriety than I’ve already achieved.

And as the time goes on it will become important as hell that I have a game plan for when this thing ends. I don’t want to end up carving my name in the wood like Brooks in Shawshank because I’m not used to not asking the grocery store manager for a piss. I can’t go back to the gym only three days a week. Can’t go back to the 24 oz. Coors banquets every night for no apparent reason. Can’t go back to three beers before and after every movie like it’s fuel on the Fury Road. (No more movie references.)

I have 29 minutes to put together a structure. Plenty of time.


February 18, 2017

Let me tell you about yesterday.

My work day ended around 3:45, at my buddy’s place near Lincoln Center. I had two hours to kill before a dinner reservation at 6 on 15th Street. For the last 2-3 years, this would have been an easy few hours. Hop on a train downtown to a bar in the general vicinity and drink for a few hours. Not yesterday.

I walked, almost out of instincts, out of nostalgia, out of remembrance of how I once stalked the cultural streets of this city, to the box office at Lincoln Plaza Cinemas. (This is one of the great underground movie theaters in New York. I don’t mean underground in any kind of cool sense. It’s literally under the ground.)

I saw a listing: Julieta. Sounded Spanish. “Does Almodovar have a new one?” I thought. I hadn’t missed one of his films in the theater from All About My Mother to Volver. I walked over to a pillar where the New York Times review was printed out as a one-sheet and read. Almodovar. Positive.

I bought a ticket, took the escalator down and there I was again. Seeing a Spanish film in the middle of a weekday afternoon. I can’t lie. I felt like myself again. I texted Eric, my longest friend on this earth, and there was genuine excitement in his responses. This is who I was for a decade. Was this who taking a few months off from the drink had returned me to?

The movie wasn’t great. But it didn’t need to be. You don’t wake up from a coma and complain about the weather.


February 19, 2017

Last night I had a two-part dream.

Part I: My Lady Left Me

This made me incredibly sad. It was a cold farewell. She was done with me. And there wasn’t even the twinge of nostalgia or regret or disappointment on her end. Just…over.

Part II: On the Lam

This made me incredibly nervous. Facing prison time for something, I decided to pack all my things in a suitcase and take an NJ Transit train to the Jersey Shore. I woke up before actually boarding the train but the tension of frantically packing that bag, coupled with the sadness of saying a final farewell to my cats, was overwhelming.

My dreams, or nightmares or whatever, during this period of been vivid. I’m sure someone has done a study on the effects of alcohol on brain patterns during sleep but I sure as shit am not going to read it.


February 20, 2017

Yesterday it was 64 degrees.

In February.

64 fucking degrees.

And it sucked.

Because warm weather makes me think of the beach. And the ocean. And the golf course. And all three of those things make me think about something else: cold beer. Cold. Delicious. Beer.

I would love to be one of those people who see the sun shining brightly in the morning and thinks, “What a lovely day for a bike ride. Oh yes, what a lovely day for a pedal!” I’m cool with bike rides. I’ll go for a bike ride with you right now. But when we’re done, let’s chain the fucking bikes up and drink a case of ice cold Coors Lights.


February 20, 2017 (Volume II)

I just played golf.

Golf makes me wanna drink ice cold beers too.

 


February 21, 2017

When you’re a boozer off the booze, you have to replace booze with something. (I believe AA wants you to go for broke and replace it with God but that would be tricky for me since, you know, I don’t believe in some dude in the sky judging me.)

In the bar, it’s been club soda (splash of orange).

In the house, it’s been tea. A few pots of lemon zinger tea, over ice.

In restaurants, it’s been the club soda to start but then coffee and dessert at the end of the meal for punctuation.

Those are replacements for the drink, not the drinking. The drinking is the harder part. But you gotta start somewhere.


February 22, 2017

One thing is becoming clear. I’m going to have to commit to being just generally bored 3-4 days a week. 3-4 days a week are going to be spent sitting on a couch, shuffling through TV stations, watching movies, going to bed around 10 pm.

Friday night, we’re doing dinner and a play. Saturday night dinner and a movie at Lincoln Center. Sunday I’ll watch golf and sit through the OSCARS. The weekends will be easy, especially when alcohol resurfaces in a month or so. But it’s these Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays that present the bigger hurdle. And the answer might just be doing nothing.

Maybe I’ll start coming up phrases, mantras, to be used for when booze returns.

ELIMINATE THE COUCH BEERS.

ENJOY DESSERT.

EMBRACE THE BOREDOM.

Those are my first three. And now they all have to start with E. Goddamnit.


February 25, 2017

Here’s how much I love Glengarry Glen Ross.

In high school, I used to play a VHS copy of it while I did homework. When the movie was over, I rewound it and played it again. I have every second of that movie memorized.

I’ve seen every major production done of the play within a few hundred miles of me. (Including a failed attempt to see the play in Warsaw that is still one of the saddest close calls of my travel life.)

Last night I saw David Mamet’s newest play, The Penitent, at Atlantic Theatre Company. The lady and I left at intermission. Not just because the play was an interminable bore. It was that. But because I felt a terrible sadness sitting in the theatre. The play was nothing. No guts. No soul. Nothing. If the play had been submitted to Neil Pepe at the Atlantic with another playwright’s name on the title page it would have been tossed in the trash by page 5.

I walked out of Jitney wanting to rush to the keyboard to work on my own stuff. I walked out of The Penitent believing there’s no hope for the American stage. But still I believe it’s important to see bad theatre just as its important to have bad times. They help you appreciate the good ones. Bad plays help you to recognize what goes in to making a good play. The time. The love. The heart.

Want this in a neat bow?

Same thing has been happening with booze. Not drinking the last five weeks, and for the next three, has reminded me what I love about drinking in the first place. I can’t wait to get back on the horse, reborn in the booze.


February 26, 2017

Last night the lady and I waited on a line in midtown Manhattan, with two hundred other people, to see a documentary called I Am Not Your Negro.

Two hundred people, black and white and every other fucking thing, wanted to swallow hole the words of James Baldwin.

We wanted to soak in his tear-drenched recollections of the Civil Rights movement.

We wanted to know more than we knew before walking into the theater.

We wanted to feel more after the film – more compassion, understanding, whatever – than we had 90 minutes earlier.

Think about this the next time someone bad mouths coastal elites to you. Think about this the next time someone tells you New Yorkers are somehow less American than out of work Wisconsin factory workers.

I choose to be part of the America that strives to do better, to know more and feel more. So did 199 others last night. And I was proud as hell to sit in a dark room with them last night.


February 27, 2017

I’ve been off the drink for 40 days and 40 nights. Like fucking Moses.


March 1, 2017

Coors Light or Guinness.

That’s the debate coursing through my brain almost hourly.

Will my first drink, my return to the boozing life (albeit with a consistent governor), be kicked off with an ice cold Coors Light or a thick, delicious, foamy pint of Guinness?

Yes, I still have sixteen days remaining. Yes, this is not as important as say, health care. But I’m thinking about it. I’m thinking about it a lot.

That’s what I miss most during this process. I’m fine with not drinking during the week. Fine with replacing couch beers with couch tea on a Tuesday night. But I can only sustain couch tea if the promise of weekend beers is there. I can’t keep drinking tea on Monday and Tuesday and fucking Wednesday if I don’t know my post-golf round cold Coors Light or frothy Guinness are waiting for me on Sunday afternoon at the Kettle.

The question is…which one?


March 2, 2017

This Saturday night my buddy is having his birthday dinner. Good spot. Downtown. He texts me. “And it’s close to Josies. We can go there after.”

Josies is a bar. One of my favorite bars in the world. And Saturday night I can’t go there and have a beer.

I deserved this 8 weeks – yes it’s starting to sound more like a prison sentence – because of my behavior over the last several years. But that text pissed me the fuck off.

Why did I let it get here? Why didn’t I go to the gym every fucking day? Why did I think I needed a six pack of beer on my couch on a Tuesday night to get through a fucking Knicks game I don’t care about anyway?

I won’t drink Saturday night. Won’t go to Josies.

But goddamn it this won’t happen again.


March 3, 2017

Jeff: Two more weeks.

Guinness: Yea.

Jeff: Two more –

Guinness: I heard ya.

Jeff: It’s just that –

Guinness: What?

Jeff: It’s an achievement, that’s what I’m saying.

Guinness: I understand that.

Jeff: It’s an achievement.

Guinness: You didn’t cure cancer.

Jeff: I know.

Guinness: There are still people dying of AIDS in Africa.

Jeff: That’s not on me.

Guinness: Of course not but, you know, perspective.

Jeff: I’m not insinuating heroics.

Guinness: You’re not what?

Jeff: I’m not claiming that what I did was heroic. I’m just saying –

Guinness: It’s an achievement.

Jeff: It is. It was hard.

Guinness: Drinking is good.

Jeff: I know.

Guinness: Drinking is fun.

Jeff: Yea, I know.

Guinness: But you fucked it up.

Jeff: I did.

Guinness: You overdid it.

Jeff: I did.

Guinness: There’s an old Irish saying.

Jeff: Christ…

Guinness: Listen, you fucking idiot. You just spent six weeks not doing a thing you love because you did the thing too much. You can spend thirty seconds taking in a bit of wisdom from the old country.

Jeff: The old country?

Guinness: Aye.

Jeff: Is every European country ‘the old country’?

Guinness: Most of em.

Jeff: Give me the wisdom.

Guinness: Fuck you.

Jeff: Fine.

Guinness: Have you ever been poor?

Jeff: Yes.

Guinness: How poor?

Jeff: I once had no money and wanted to eat so I brought thirty-three dimes to a McDonald’s to get three things off the dollar menu. Then I dropped the dimes on the dirty floor and had to pick them up.

Guinness: You have money now?

Jeff: Yea.

Guinness: A man once told me there’s no problem with being rich. As long as you don’t forget what it feels like to have $5. If you forget that, the money is useless.

Jeff: You can still buy a shitload of stuff.

Guinness: I didn’t say he was a wise man.


March 5, 2017

Something happened yesterday that’s a bit hard to explain.

At that birthday dinner I already told you about I watched 7 guys slam beers. Beer after beer. Throwing em back. Every other Saturday night of every year I’d have been one of them. And last night I could have been. I mean, who the fuck would have known? You? I don’t have to tell you anything.

The people at that table don’t live near me, haven’t been engaged in this day-to-day, wouldn’t have given a shit if I had 12 beers. The lady is up in Maine. She wouldn’t have known if I got hammered and pissed my pants on the couch, until she got home and smelled the couch.

But I didn’t. I dropped some cash on the table after dinner and walked out into the freezing fucking cold. I went home. Why? Because I’ve come this far. I’ve fucking achieved this much. And I was not going to turn “look what I did for 47 days” into “look what I couldn’t do for 60 days”. I wasn’t going to let this thing of pride possess even the sprinkle (or jimmy) of disappointment.

One of the most important parts of doing this was knowing that I could do it. And I can do it. Surviving last night was crucial.


March 6, 2017

LOOKING GOOD, BILLY RAY

FEELING GOOD, LOUIS

What’s so interesting about this process is it has stopped being about alcohol. I don’t actually care about the booze anymore. I know I’m going to return to drinking on March 17th and have full control of how I drink moving forward.

What’s taken over is the weight loss. The gym every morning before 8. Looking good. Feeling good. I don’t worry about the booze going back into my system. I worry about the calories. The shit I eat when drinking. The way I feel the next morning, keeping me from getting my ass down the gym. That’s the concern.


March 7, 2017

My five favorite bars, at specific moments in time, ever:

  1. Marie’s Crisis. NYC. Tuesday nights, Fall, 2002.
  2. Original Billy Goat Tavern. Chicago. December 2015-Present (The Pearson Years)
  3. Josie Woods. NYC. January 2007.
  4. Backpackers. King’s Cross, London. Spring. 2003.
  5. Tropical Pub. Belmar New Jersey. Memorial Day Monday. 2007.

Honorable Mention: Jazzkeller (Frankfurt, 2003), Milady’s (NYC 2003-2008), Tigh Hughes (Spiddal, Every time!), Spring Lounge (WEEDS, whatever year), Jimmy’s Corner (Monday nights, Fall 2005), Rumours (Monday nights, BMI Workshop After Parties)


March 8, 2017

Single digits. I have single digit days remaining. That’s fucking nuts.


March 9, 2017

I knew Martin O’Reilly. Not well. We weren’t close friends, by any means, but I knew him. We played golf.

When I went to a different gym I had to pass his apartment on my walk there. He lives across from a playground. He used to yell obscenities at me through the window. The bald fuck.

He’s dead now. Thirty-nine years old.

Last night I saw his body lying in a casket on Queens Boulevard. Heard his daughter sing a song of love and sadness. The smell of funeral parlors is a smell unlike anywhere else on earth. Maybe it’s the flowers. Maybe it’s whatever they use on the body. It’s just different. Maybe it should be.

Why would we waste a moment on this earth?  How many have I already wasted, awash in booze on my couch?

No more.

RIP Martin O’Reilly.


March 10, 2017

One week left.

Not having a beer tonight feels stupid. I’ve done this thing. It’s over. I want a beer. But this goddamn arbitrary timeline I set haunts me like Mr. Boogedy. 7 more days.


March 11, 2017

I’m just trying to finish this.

I’m the Yankees and I have an 11-run lead in the seventh inning. I don’t feel like wasting my good bullpen arms so I’m bringing out failed starter/long man to get the final nine outs. The fans have left the stadium. The announcers are talking about their favorite TV shows. The Red Sox have pulled their stars.

All that’s left is Sinatra. Alexa, play “New York, New York”.


March 13, 2017

I started this diary after a week. I’m ending it with four days to go.

I feel healthier than I’ve felt in years. More productive. I’ve seen great plays and films and heard great music. I’ve eaten great meals.

This is my life now. Mine and the lady’s. And it took eight weeks off the drink to rediscover what I love about living. Might sound like an overstatement but I kid you not – it happened.

Friday at 11 am I’m going to have a Guinness on St. Patrick’s Day.

Slainte.

Tagged: , ,

  • 1st to say, congrats.

    The part of it becoming routine without you noticing really struck me.

    Sometimes we step back and ask, “Holy shit. How did this happen?”

    This might be my favorite piece of yours. Even more so than the Bmarsh piece.

    No more Cutty – no more booze. Onward and upward.

    • Irish Sweetness

      I hope we’re not reaching for the tequila and razor-blades if Gummo goes clusterfuck, Butch.

      I hope.

  • “Modestly” Huge Bears Penis

    Congrats.

  • Sahr Gborie

    Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations

  • Irish Sweetness

    There aren’t enough (any?) pieces on not-drinking. So well done, Jefe.

    I’m confused, or maybe that was just the longest piece ever, but is the sobriety now a moving forward thing? Either way, well done. Viewing your life for any decent period not being flewtered is an eye-opener.
    I can’t do bars sober though. Can’t listen to that shit on repeat when you’re sober. Not after ten.

    Eight and a half years since my last drink. Don’t miss it. Wasted enough time in bars. Lost whatever brain cells I used to have. I wish I could go back and never have taken a drink. Don’t miss a thing.

    ‘Palm’ beer was good though. Nectar. Crafty fuckers them Belgian monks.

    • DaBearsBlog

      Not quitting. But changing my life.

      • Scharfinator

        Good luck! It will probably be harder to do it moderately than going cold turkey these last few weeks. Stay vigilant and avoid the slide back into old habits. 🙂

      • MB30SD

        Quit Jeff. If you want the changes to stick, quit.

        And do a play about Guinness talking to a guy who loves guinness, it could be a love story. Really enjoyed that bit.

        • DaBearsBlog

          Problem wasn’t booze. It was me. I let over-indulging booze get in the way of something I really enojoy: drinking.

          • Bobby Douglass

            I understand this point utterly and completely. I like drinking. I come from a family of depressed alcoholics. But it appears they aren’t alcoholics, we have good to decent genetics… we’re just bored. Not drinking for a while would help to make me appreciate what I like about it, as opposed to it just being something I do.

          • MB30SD

            Boredom is a self-imposed sentence

          • Bobby Douglass

            Oh, yeah, I fully understand that. It’s a chosen thing for most.

          • MB30SD

            Plenty of fun hobbies out there.

            After my mom passed my dad has this issue. He doesn’t like going out and then complains how boring his life is.

            I’m like, dude, you live in cape Town one of the most beautiful and fun cities in the world, stop being a hermit and go do things!!!

          • Bobby Douglass

            I need to pick up the 6 string again. Used to do an open mic night circuit, really enjoyed the stress and adrenaline of being in front of people.

          • MB30SD

            it’s actually not my favorite thing… at all. Not the guitar, the public speaking.

          • Bobby Douglass

            The challenge was an adrenaline rush. For the guitar, all you need is two chords and you can play everything.

          • MB30SD

            yeah, that’s my issue. the initial fight or flight that fucks with my system. Once that goes and I calm down I’m fine and I like being up there.

          • Bobby Douglass

            I could see you doing stand up 😉

          • MB30SD

            hahahaha, yeeeaaaah

          • Irish Sweetness

            He misses her, man. Some people never get over that. I have an uncle and his wife passed well over twenty years ago. Just never got over it. Wouldn’t let himself do it.

          • MB30SD

            He def does… We all do. She was amazing. One of a kind.

            But he’s got to live his life… Don’t want him to be a hermit. She wouldn’t have wanted that for him… And neither do my bro and I.

            That’s why I’ve gone back so much and no where else.

          • CanadaBear

            This is a lot like saying guns don’t kill people, people kill people. While as a stand alone fact it’s true but at the heart of every personal issue is the person. You’ll find out soon enough if being a casual drinker is in the cards for you. Best of luck!

          • MB30SD

            See Canada’s response below, but wtf do I know I’ve never been a big drinker

      • Irish Sweetness

        Then good for you. Maybe you don’t have the gene. If you can take it or leave it, then you’ll be okay, good for you.

    • CanadaBear

      I can go into bars/restaurants but there has to be some entertainment to keep me there. Otherwise, it’s a quick bite and C-Ya. I would guess 90% of the time I’m in bars is to watch/promote music. Otherwise, sitting in a bar with a bunch of drunks is torture for me. I keep seeing myself in all these drunks and that doesn’t exactly thrill me.

  • Scharfinator

    Some really good stuff in here, fun and honest. Good write up Jefe!

    The only thing I’d say/recommend is the whole “what do you do when you get home? watch shitty TV” bit. The wife and I gave up cable years ago. Reading is good, but find new hobbies. Walking the dogs, cooking together, she plays piano, etc. There’s a lot you can do with time the TV previously owned.

    • MB30SD

      Have conversations with Guinness maybe, he seems funny

    • Bobby Douglass

      I’ve got this guitar that needs some attention…

  • MB30SD

    “Why did I think I needed a six pack of beer on my couch on a Tuesday night to get through a fucking Knicks game I don’t care about anyway?”

    Don’t do it Jeff. Stay off… For good. You take that one sip at 11 this Friday and all the gym and healthy and positive outcomes from the last 2 months will very quickly go… poof!

    And all the heroics will amount to a stunt. An interesting but ultimately worthless stunt.

    I know it’s easy for me to say, I don’t have an addiction bone in my body, I’m lucky and it is easy for me to say that to someone I’ve never even met in person, but…

    Stay off man. Do it.

    • MB30SD

      And how about some before and after stats and pics? How much weight did you lose? You should have done blood work before and after.

      I know I’m making this about your health, I’m a dad at heart, can’t help it

    • “Modestly” Huge Bears Penis

      worthless stunt?!? smh!

      • MB30SD

        I was making a point.

        I wasn’t saying it wasn’t really hard or wasn’t worth it.

        Quite the opposite actually, I’m saying that what he started was monumental in his life and that he should continue it and make the entire lifestyle change for good.

        And don’t shake your fucking head at me goddamnit.

        • “Modestly” Huge Bears Penis

          Sorry, but in my mind calling it a stunt seems to put a somewhat trivial connotation to it. If he goes back to his lifestyle before this then yes it is a stunt, but that is not the way it sounded from his diary entries. And to imply that by having a sip will destroy everything is complete BS. This sounds like he went to the extreme opposite by not drinking in order to find out what he enjoyed with life without. By doing this you can gain perspective and find a balance.

          Also, I will shake my head at anyone I goddamn want to.

          • MB30SD

            You’re looking past what I’m trying to convey, which is it’s probably impossible or at least insanely difficult to straddle the divide in Jeff’s case.

            Guys like Canada/irish know a helluva lot more than me, but sounds like Jeff is probably an all or none case.

            A 6 pack at home on your couch on a Tuesday night doesn’t sound like an, ‘ok I did this and learnt, and now I’ll drink moderately for the rest of my life’ situation.

            Maybe that’s just me though, wtf do I know.

          • “Modestly” Huge Bears Penis

            I have been there and done it. I used to drink like Jeff described, every night 6-12 drinks. For me and a lot of people it is just a routine we fell into, so it is a matter of breaking the routine and reevaluating. It is possible to find that balance. Then there are people like Canada/Irish who have admitted that having just one is an impossibility.

          • MB30SD

            Right. Good for you.

            Hoping jeff is like you. No offense Canada/irish

          • “Modestly” Huge Bears Penis

            “I miss the drinking, not the drink.

            And as long as I can go hang in a bar with my club sodas (splash of orange) for a few hours, March 17th feels more like the finish line to a race than the end of a prison sentence.”

            This post resonated with me. For me it was really never about the alcohol. It was the social aspect of the bar scene. To be fair, I will say that my transformation into a light/moderate social drinker was due to insane circumstances that no one should ever have to endure.

          • CanadaBear

            None taken. I’ve made my peace with alcohol a long time ago.

          • Irish Sweetness

            You are also correct. If Jeff is not an alcoholic/problem drinker … then there’s no reason to cut it out. Only Jeff knows.

          • Irish Sweetness

            No, I think you are perfectly correct on this, MB.

          • Irish Sweetness

            But gaining the perspective .. .and then going back to drinking .. is just pulling the wool back over your eyes. no?

          • “Modestly” Huge Bears Penis

            only if you have a problem with alcohol. Some people do not have real issues with alcohol so they are able to reassess and change without removing drinking completely.

    • Irish Sweetness

      I agree. 8 weeks not drinking doesn’t change your life. Stopping it does.

      • MB30SD

        jep

      • That’s pretty judgy. How do you know if something can change another person’s life? Maybe it can’t change yours but it seems like he had a positive experience, give the guy a chance.

        • CanadaBear

          I think Irish is just trying to encourage Jeff to take the next step. That’s all. I’ve had numerous friends stop drinking but still do ganja and edibles. If I was completely sober I might be a little more judgmental but it’s pretty hard to get up on your high horse when you’re floating!

  • Bobby Douglass

    Great read. I would like to subscribe to your newsletter. (oh, wait….)

  • CanadaBear

    Nice piece Jeff. No advice either way. Glad you made it to the finish line. I’ve been without Booze for 23+ years. Notice I didn’t say sober. Still like the ganja and the edibles. If you go back to it and the old ways start creeping in (and they will want to, trust me) you can always quit again. I quit at least 3 times before it took for good. I learned how to play the piano as an adult (played for a few months as a kid but that hardly counts). Whatever you decide, good luck. Hope for nothing but the best for you.

    • Bender McLugh

      I cannot WAIT for brown cafe’s to open in America, like they have in Amsterdam. I still drink but would rather puff or vape without question. Still wouldn’t eliminate drinking for me, I just enjoy certain aperitifs for their tasty enjoyment.

      • CanadaBear

        Trudeau said they are going to legalize recreational weed this year. The RCMP turn a blind eye to the dispensaries on the Island (for the most part). I was vaping some but the stuff I read about popcorn lung was a little disturbing. I still smoke some but I do a lot of edibles. Once it is legal, I’m going to grow it and get a magic butter machine!

        https://www.amazon.ca/Magical-Butter-PBC-Machine-2015/dp/B014GNGTBK/ref=sr_1_1/168-7316471-9844421?ie=UTF8&qid=1489506774&sr=8-1&keywords=magical+butter+machine

        • Bender McLugh

          ohh herrrooo! (as MB would say)

          • CanadaBear

            A friend I met in Mesa last year put me onto this. He fell 40 feet onto the deck of a ship and has horrible pain issues ever since. He gets his weed directly from the CDN govt.

          • Bobby Douglass

            Why it’s not allowed in our favorite collision sport is beyond me.

          • CanadaBear

            Big Pharma.

          • Bobby Douglass

            William Randolph Hearst!

          • MB30SD

            I’m allllllllllllllll about edibles maings.

            I haven’t done it since the divorce… I was scared she’d have me tested when things were nasty. Now that they’ve been fine I just haven’t. I used to plan a night once erra 6 or 8 months to go on a spiritual journey. Def not a normal user, and I’m very fascinated by indigenous ceremonies using hallucinatigens bit I’m too chicken shit to try (protein, hayuasca, etc…)

          • CanadaBear

            Go off the grid sometime and do some LSD. It will definitely be an eye opener. You might like it or hate but it will be something you never forget. It takes about 90-120 minutes to kick in so do not, I repeat DO NOT take another one for a minimum of two hours. I’ve always loved it and never had a bad experience. I always knew I was tripping so all the weird shit didn’t freak me out. Pretty sure I told you when I was about 20 and tripping balls, my Jimi Hendrix poster started talking to me. It gave me an intense rush throughout my body and then I just sat back and listened to Jimi’s advice (which I have zero recollection!).

          • MB30SD

            that is fucking awesome.

            I’m going to try shrooms at some point soon to see how it goes, but first Imma do some edibles with one of the young ladies I’m seeing. That should be fun.

          • CanadaBear

            Shrooms are good fun. Just make sure you are in an environment where you are comfortable (read not in public). Otherwise, I guarantee you will run into someone that you do business with, the ex’s family or pick any person that you hate to see in that state, and it will happen. Never fails. At her place or yours, or my favorite, out camping would be my choice.

          • MB30SD

            yeah, i would 100% try something like joshua tree

          • Irish Sweetness

            LSD is synthetic. Shrooms. Psilocybin. You can pick them yourself, choose your friends, trip in nature.

          • MB30SD

            yep, exactly. I would never do LSD. too scared. haha

          • Bender McLugh

            hayuasca apparently has DMT, which has been described as a MEGATONNAGE. Shrooms are either awesome and relaxing or make me sit in the corner for hours thinking, so it’s hit or miss. Edibles to me are the best.

          • MB30SD

            jes

          • Irish Sweetness

            Psilocybin Cubensis. Boil some up in a tea and you will be shown your place in the universe.

    • Irish Sweetness

      Good for you on the piano, C-Bear. That’s great.

      • CanadaBear

        Thanks Irish. I’m sure this won’t shock you but I kinda suck on piano. I enjoy it and that’s the main thing. Fortunately I didn’t take up guitar. I’d probably have a bunch of them if I did. Once you have a nice piano there’s no need for another acoustic one in the house. I’ve also got a 2-octave accordion with a 32-button bass that I screw around with. I go way past kinda suck on accordion but that’s the beauty of an accordion, mostly people can’t tell and are just happy when you stop playing!!!!!!!

  • BearDown100393

    16 games of Mike Glennon. Quite a challenge lies ahead.

    • evantonio

      for the rest of the NFL!

      • SC Dave

        There you go!

  • Bobby Douglass

    Had my annual physical the other day. My wife was pissed. “You drink like a fish, drink beer and wine like it’s oxygen, your liver functions are great. You suck.” But a break like Jeff just went through would be good for me to remember what I enjoy in life other than forgetting about every. other. fucking. thing.

    • CanadaBear

      Nothing like being happy for your good fortune!

      • Bobby Douglass

        I tell ya. My grandpa was a coal miner and lived to his nineties. My dad starts at around 3 every afternoon and goes til he drops. I’ve been through a lot, never thought I would make it to 35 let alone 50. And don’t get me wrong, I am spoiled rotten at home… but the lovely wife has health stuff and she doesn’t understand why I don’t.

        • MB30SD

          Genetic roll of the dice maings

        • CanadaBear

          Sounds like good genetics! Gotta love that. I was just kidding about your wife. Mine would react the exact same way!

          • Bobby Douglass

            Here man, have a brownie…

          • CanadaBear

            Bless you my left-handed flamethrower!

        • SC Dave

          My father’s mother lived to see her 100th birthday, and died when a stomach aneurysm ruptured.

          She attributed her longevity to:
          1) Graham crackers for breakfast
          2) Two beers per day

          She kept to that regimen for, iirc, a bit over 60 years.

          Whatever works, eh?

  • BerwynBomber

    Thanks for sharing. Read parts of it and they were good, humorous, insightful. Will bookmark for later.

  • CanadaBear

    The litmus test for me and drinking came down to this, some of the best times in my life were when I was drinking. All of the worst stuff that ever happened to me that I could have avoided was all due to drinking.

    • Bobby Douglass

      “Here’s to alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.”

  • Bender McLugh

    just awesome, Jeff. Excellent read and good on ya for sticking it out until the end. The lady (to use your vernacular) & I do a dry month once a year now, and this describes it to a T. Ohhh the boredom!

    side note about Diners, Drive-ins & Dives – the episode with Vito & Nick’s is a good one. Slainte!

  • Sactowns#1

    Coors Light? Coors freaking light!?

    • CanadaBear

      A can of water with a shot of PBR.

    • BerwynBomber

      Agreed. But the flip side is the inundation of craft beers and IPAs. Most of them, to me, taste like shit. To me the stuff between piss water and craft beers is the best. Namely, the premium mass-market stuff, of which Guinness would be an obvious example.

      • Sactowns#1

        You obviously aren’t trying beers that hit your wheelhouse. I’m gonna guess you’re up north where the local brewery scene is still somewhat limited. Find the highest rated one around (beerrater or untapped) and go in and talk to them. They’ll find you something you’ll like and get you hip to the numerous varieties out on the market these days.

        • MB30SD

          God damned nor Cal beer snob

          • Sactowns#1

            We just had our beer Week here and it was amazing. So many great barrel aged beers. From IPA’s aged in gin barrels to Porters in bourbon barrels. It was AMAZING!!

          • MB30SD

            Nice. As you know SD is kind of a mecca. It’s probably wasted on me

          • Sactowns#1

            Sac area is rapidly approaching my friend.

          • MB30SD

            I know you enjoyed our local fruits last time you were down. Plenty more you didn’t experience I’m sure.

          • evantonio

            oof. i had a bourbon barrel stout the other day. 1 beer. knocked me on my arse. turns out the fucker was 13%.

          • Sactowns#1

            And I bet it was delicious!!

          • evantonio

            it was spectacular.

          • MB30SD

            pussy

          • evantonio

            says the man who’s scared of more than 1 guinness.

          • MB30SD

            more than 4ish I’d say. big difference between 4 and 10 my maings (6 in fact if I can channel my inner Doc)

            And I don’t like guinness

          • willbest

            I had something along those lines on an empty stomach. Not only did it make me feel stuffed, but I really felt it. Beer is a bloody adventure now. If the craft beer Renaissance struck a decade ago, I would have been all over it. But I avoid it unless my friends that are into it tell me I have to try a particular one.

        • SC Dave

          This. There are a *lot* of different styles – truly something for everyone.

      • Irish Sweetness

        Porter!

    • MB30SD

      College go-to

    • CanadaBear

      Jeff can drink about 8-10 pints of Guiness or about a million bottles of Coors Light. All about pacing!

      • MB30SD

        Scary. 6 – 8 Guinnesses would put me in a Fucking coma

        • Sactowns#1

          Guinness is actually a really low carb, low alcohol beer. just because its dark people think it’s strong though. now 6-8 DIPA’s might do the trick for ya.

          • MB30SD

            Nah, I don’t drink much maings. Like maybe once a week with the boys or twice if I take a date out.

            I’m kind of a lightweight/cheap date

          • evantonio

            it makes your doody black, too. don’t forget about the black doody. why didn’t you mention the black doody?

          • MB30SD

            BLACK DOODY?!?!?!??

            awww, hells naw!

          • Irish Sweetness

            Porter.

    • SC Dave

      Look at it this way, Sac… it makes quitting easier.

  • Bender McLugh

    also, for some reason I kept hearing Rev Dave’s voice reading it instead of Jeff’s.

  • Bobby Douglass

    I know I am off and on here, and I don’t comment much… but I read almost everything you commenters write, and I definitely read everything Jeff/AD/Data post. I certainly appreciate the entertainment, knowledge, and general bullshit. Thanks to all of you (sappy closing music here)

  • BerwynBomber

    Saints sign Alex Okafor (OLB). Have visit scheduled with Malcolm Butler (CB).

  • BerwynBomber

    Eddie Lacy (RB) signs with SEA.

    • CanadaBear

      Fat Eddie in the land of legal weed (and munchies). What could go wrong?

      • AlbertInTucson

        and AFTER Seattle kicked the tires on J. Charles and AP…?

    • Scharfinator

      From Beastmode to Feastmode

      • BerwynBomber

        Good one, though Beast himself looked like he liked the buffet specials as well.

        • AlbertInTucson

          It was all those Skittles.

      • MB30SD

        hahaha

  • beninnorcal

    Well done, Jeff. Nice piece too

  • BerwynBomber

    Of course we will now need a post-St Pat’s diary entry. Could be a rough one.

    • Irish Sweetness

      8 weeks of sobriety getting pissed away on St. Patrick’s ….

      • MB30SD

        yep. smh

  • willbest

    I can speak to what MB said. I have struggled with weight for over 2 decades now, and setting goals of “lose 10 lbs” never works for me because every time I reach the goal I would stop doing all the positive things that worked for me. About 5-6 years ago it got really bad and I was feeling sick all the time. That is when I found Mark’s Daily Apple and Stronglifts, and committed to both the diet and exercise changes.

    In the beginning, it was pretty bad. For example, somebody had fresh brownies and just smelling them I got physical hunger pains. So abstinence and even avoiding where those items would be was required. Now I don’t miss it, and can even indulge very sparingly. And the results have been nothing short of amazing. I was a freshman in college the last time I weighed this much and I haven’t felt this healthy since my early 20s. But I still have to commit to it daily. When I wake up I tell myself “I can be healthy today”. Because the goal can’t be maintained without the lifestyle. And a lifestyle has to be adhered to every day.

    • MB30SD

      good for you my maings. Well done. Takes a fuckton of discipline and it’s the opposite of easy.

      Especially when you’re married and don’t HAVE to look good for young hot new poon erra week.

      • willbest

        Turned out to be a blessing in that department too. Wife joined me when she saw how much it was working for me. Dem squats really firmed up her derriere

        • MB30SD

          derriere??! I didn’t know you live in fucking tombstone during the early 1900s.

    • Scharfinator

      Aww man I love Stronglifts/5×5.

    • SC Dave

      Primal shit is great… if I’d just keep to it. I do try to spend time outside most days, but the eating part does not get prioritized for me to the extent it should.

      But that stuff will take fat off like no tomorrow.

    • Irish Sweetness

      This. If you can’t go through hunger pangs until your body has readjusted itself to hearing ‘no’, then you’re fucked.

      • MB30SD

        naw, you don’t want hunger pangs. You have to constantly stoke the fire 6-8 times a day with small meals, or you’re stalling your metabolism out and you’ll hold fat.

        That said, if you can force yourself to be super strict for 2 full weeks on a new program, after that it’s easy.

  • BearDown100393

    “He’s a big back. He’s a big guy. Ain’t nothing wrong with that”

    Pete Carroll has all the best words.

    • MB30SD

      sure ain’t!

      pete likes his big backs

      • BearDown100393

        “Back”

        • MB30SD

          yes. baby gots back.

  • BearDown100393

    Bears leading the way on Free Agency….. meaning they have signed the most players in the league…. if that is leading the way…? http://www.espn.com/blog/nflnation/post/_/id/233585/five-most-active-teams-in-nfl-free-agency-so-far

  • MB30SD

    http://www.si.com/nfl/2017/03/13/free-agency-signings-best-players-available

    Dude, how about:

    Hankins
    Minter and/or Hightower
    Carr

    • willbest

      We somehow only have 30 mil left

      • That’s enough for Hankins + $5M for draft class.

        Seems like Pace frontloaded everyone’s contract, so this yr prolly a little tighter than usual, but it was smart to frontload long term

      • Irish Sweetness

        That’s it ???? That was our FA spending done?

        • willbest

          We blew half our wad. Although Houston and Royal are still on the roster and getting rid of them should free up another 11 million. We will need about 6 million for the draft I think.

  • BerwynBomber

    WTF was Tyrod Taylor thinking? Good lord …

    • willbest

      Holy hell, I thought he beat his GF or something. Turns out it was worse. He could have gotten 40 million in guarantees from like 6 teams.

      • MB30SD

        for fuck sake… it’s like you two are fucking new here!?!?!

        LIIIIIIINK!!!!!! (or some fucking semblance of a clue re: the fucking facts of the event/issue/news)

        • MB30SD

          smfh

        • BearDown100393

          whitehouse dot gov

        • willbest

          He took 10 million of guarantees out of his contract for lord knows what reason. Stay with the bills?

          • BerwynBomber

            And 15M per season the next two years. For a young, seemingly ascending and proven starter. Makes no sense.

            Player and agent idiocy apparently. And a big lack of confidence.

          • willbest

            The only thing I can think of is he let it slip his agent had informal talks, at which point he fucked himself on tamper charges and had to take what the Bills were offering.

          • BearDown100393

            It is a privilege to ball with the Bills.

          • MB30SD

            really?? wtf would he do that?!?!

          • “Modestly” Huge Bears Penis

            he saw the teams that were interested, and probably decided it was best to stay put.

          • MB30SD

            guess so… that’s a big fucking home team discount man. yesh.

            he should probably fire his agent.

        • “Modestly” Huge Bears Penis
          • MB30SD

            possible

          • Irish Sweetness

            That’s EXACTLY what happened, Dude ….

    • BearDown100393

      “It is all apart of the plan” – Alshon

  • MB30SD

    My buddy sends this to me, and says, “do it!”: https://www.wearequiff.com/#overview

    smbh

  • MB30SD
    • BearDown100393

      Yeah I posted this about an hour ago. Don’t caaaaaarrrreeeeee

      • MB30SD

        Haha. Mea culpa

  • BearDown100393

    Mike Glennon is the Bears starting quarterback. Snow, traffic pileups and general misery immediately follow. These events are not a coincidence.

    • BerwynBomber

      Don’t sweat it. Given what we have seen of our QB play the last few years it is probably no worse than a lateral move.

      • BearDown100393

        Print that on the season tickets!

        “Probably No Worse Than A Lateral Move”

        Bear Down! Woo Hoo!

        • MB30SD

          Exciting

          • BearDown100393

            It makes a nice flip side quote to George McCaskey’s branding matters over winning doctrine.

          • MB30SD

            wasn’t that ted?

          • BearDown100393

            Probably. Two heads. One infected host body.

        • BerwynBomber

          Who gives a fuck about PR excitement?

          • BearDown100393

            Terrible Ted

        • “Modestly” Huge Bears Penis

          have to explain the ticket price increase somehow.

          • No they don’t. Fans will buy no matter what.
            Though I’m sure they’ll make same lame pitch to season holders

          • BearDown100393

            GiraffeCare

        • “Less strip sacks and thumb injuries 2017!”

  • BearDown100393
    • MB30SD

      yonny, when’s your birffsday?

  • willbest

    Incidentally, I am also on a no alcohol path of 10 days sober thanks to that mutant death cold that turned into a sinus/ear infection. 5 more days to go!

    • Man, I think you guys jinxs me, cuz I got like Ebolia right now or something.

      Coincidentally, got it after a night of hanging out with snotty kids and open bar!

      • CanadaBear

        Snotty kids for sure. The older you get the more you want to avoid them.

        • SC Dave

          And the easier it gets!

          • willbest

            Well if you don’t, people tend to report you.

        • Haha, yeah, I was screwing around with a bunch of them. They asked, “Where have you been?” and I responded, “Mars”. One of them gives me the stink eye, the other’s eyes are wide open. I gave them this whole story about how I was stationed in an underground cave with artificial environment and robots.

          The 7th grader was skeptical, but his younger bro was eating it up.

          Snotty kids! Don’t mess with your Martian uncle.

          • MB30SD

            kids are fucking awesome. listen and learn

          • They are such a trip.

            The 7th grader was in that “I hate everything phase” and I told him, “I hated everything too till I got out of HS at 17, then, it was on!”

            But he was already talking about GPA and Harvard. In 7th grade! I didn’t hear about GPA until I was outta HS lol

            And his lil bro wanted to be…a millionaire app creator. Da Faq?

            Maybe all this time the kiddos are on the interwebs has them thinking differently than us bozos.

          • Irish Sweetness

            That kid will be a millionaire. Watch.

          • He already had the bow-tie.

            Not even kidding.

            Gonna be extra nice to him growing up lol

          • MB30SD

            100% it does. My daughter could totally navigate my phone at 6 (she’s super smart, but still). The reason I’m totally paranoid about all my pics in my texts.

            I’ve already told my kids they’re going to college because every single person in my family back (‘modern’) generations has. That said, I also told them that I don’t care if they get As or Bs, as long as they are always curious and want to learn. That’s the key right there.

            That and traveling internationally. I’ve been begging the ex to let me take them back to the homeland. She finally agreed… but she has to come too (yikes, but worth it). Anyway, she was whining about the 3 weeks off school just a couple weeks after they start next year.

            I was like, they’ll learn and grow more about life in the 3 weeks (we’re stopping off in Paris on the way) than they will in the rest of the entire year doing fucking finger painting.

          • Irish Sweetness

            Ah, Paris. I’d love to have the money to show the twins Paris. My favorite city, without a doubt. Then Florence ….

          • MB30SD

            Dude, my aunt lives in Paris. Love it… But I’m a country guy, so Provence is my thing. But 100% with you on Florence maings.

            My god the food, sites, (and women) in that town. Ugghhh… Amazing

  • willbest

    “If they redrafted today, @Ky1eLong is gone by the fifth pick.” – Jeff

    I don’t know about that. He wouldn’t be the first lineman. That would probably be Travis Frederick followed by David Bakhtiari. Then you got Kwaan Short, Jamie Colins, DeAndre Hopkins, Tyrann Mathieu, Travis Kelce.

    • BearDown100393

      “If they redrafted today, @TomBradysEgo is gone by the first pick.” {yeah yeah I know…….}

    • I still remember clearly that I wanted Warford whom the Lions drafted later, and I think, just got paid by some team .

      It’s all about draft value. History has shown that the interior, and even RTs, can be found beyond the 1st relatively consistently.

      That’s why I was initially really pissed about the Long draft (talk about a 1 yr wonder. He only played football for like 2 years and was like a 25 yr old rookie).

      But, Long has proven to be a good pick (esp when you consider how some other OGs like Cooper busted), though he seems a bit inj prone now.

      Still I’m forever going to compare Long to Warford.

      • SC Dave

        So what if Kyle does not come back?

        • BearDown100393

          Long gone.

        • Then Warford who I wanted was a better pick esp for his draft tier.

          Although he’s no longer on the Lions.

  • So, as some of you may know, just attended a wedding. Really cool. Hung out with family I hadn’t seen in years. And sometimes I forget how many were or are in the military.

    The one who got married was in Afghanistan and Iraq. I would say we’re probably each other’s fav cousins, and if not for his spotter (he was a sniper. 1mi confirmed kill, so don’t piss me off!), I prolly would’ve been his best man. But hey, they saved each other’s lives, so I’ll let it slide.

    His son is now training to be a ranger. I have two other cousins in the marines.

    My uncle, who I respected to no end, somehow worked in “Star Wars”. Never really told us what he did. All he said was, “If I tell you, I’d have to kill you”.

    So I guess that’s why I get a lil worked up about the russians. My uncle basically sacrificed his whole life combating the U.S.S.R. . My other uncles fought in Nam and Korea, russian proxies more or less.

    Essentially, the previous generation fought against communism and now the orange one comes and just bends over for Putin. All that sacrifice, for what?

    I know it’s not that black and white, but it does sorta tick me off, esp when I think of my two nephews, one in the marines, the other about to be a ranger, maybe being sent to yet another “skirmish” in some god forsaken country.

    Who knows? Anyways, Just venting a bit.

    Wedding was cool. Dancing, hot chicks. As always, my aunts were trying to marry me off to women since I’m like the last bachelor in my age group, but I always felt odd picking up on chicks around my fam.

    Could’ve closed the deal on some visiting chick, but just wasn’t feeling like a pimp that night, wanted to just party and celebrate with the fam.

    Anyhow…back to foozball….

    • BearDown100393

      Was the wedding before or after Mike Glennon became a Bear?

    • willbest

      Dude, every President talks about improving relations with Russia, and then they find out they can’t Fing do it. Obama was caught on open mic about having more flexibility when he was no longer accountable to the voters. And just the other day they were talking about US-Russian talks over Syria hitting the skids. And Trump has quite a few Russian hardliners in the NSC so he isn’t surrounding himself with yes-men waiting to hand things over to the Kremlin no matter how much GP insists.

      • BearDown100393

        Trump just banned Rocky IV so there is that.

        • In Soviet Russia, Rocky IV watches you

          Or in the U.S. if you have anything with a lens.

          • willbest

            nonsense. The CIA doesn’t spy on Americans. They get MI6 to do it for them.

      • Irish Sweetness

        Improving relations would require compromise. Good luck with that.

    • Irish Sweetness

      I never did get America’s beef with Russians. It’s sad when the whole country gets pulled up for their leaders’ policies. We’re all the same. We are. The TV and the tunes are different.

      • willbest

        If your Empire isn’t growing, its dying.

      • My fam doesn’t hate russians. In fact, my sis “adopted” some who came over after the U.S.S.R crashed.

        And there’s no anti-russian sentiment like with muslims.

        The main beef with Russia is geo-political, in that, we almost nuked the planet cuz of our power struggle with them, 50 years of coldwar, only for them to back door us and stick a hand up our POTUS ass?

        I think THAT’s the disturbing part of it.

        It’s like finding out the CEO of your new job is run by your evil Ex.

        Not ideal.

  • Hey, any of you guys got skillz with the graphic arts?

    Somebody has to turn Glennon into a Cardassian like Dukat, like so

    http://68.media.tumblr.com/5fdd9afdcb21097db11b3ae8a5e01843/tumblr_o4fl0xywGy1tjh89ro1_500.jpg

  • So, according to the links below, Bears are the 3rd most active FA team in terms of guarantees (naturally buying a starting QB probably throws that off a bit).

    It seems like Pace’s MO is just to throw a bunch of 2nd-3rd tier talent at the roster and see what sticks.

    Pace kinda did that too with the secondary last year’s draft.

    It’s an interesting approach. Kinda like between GB’s abstinence policy and Jag’s debauchery.

    As Jeff pointed out, maybe it comes from Pace’s experience in NO of signing a bunch of FA “stars” and getting into serious cap crunch.

    Could be Pace “over correcting”. I don’t know if other GMs stick to the 2nd tier method, or if it has any precedence of succeeding, but it’s an interesting approach.

    We’re gonna find out really soon if it works or not cuz the POX honeymoon is over.

    No more using Angelo/Emery (or injuries) as default excuses.

    Other teams like the 9ers and Hawks have turned it around in 3 or so years.

    • Johnnywad

      I’m guessing it’s slowly going to evolve as he hopefully stocks the shelves with good young draft picks. Then he can start to extend his own and bring in high end FAs as needed.

    • willbest

      When you see a team turn it around in 3 years its because they draft 2-4 studs and 3-4 solid contributors while adding smart FAs. If you look at the Seahawks, they only had 4 players on the team that won the SB that were on the roster when the GM took over. But in addition to adding smart FA’s like Beastmode, Bennett, Avril, Chris Clemons they crushed in the draft (Wilson, Thomas, Sherman, Wagner, Irvin, Kam, etc)

      • willbest

        To add on that thought. The problem for us is we know Pace didn’t crush it in his 2015, and unless one of those studs you find is a QB, you are going to need 3 all-pros on your defense, of which we have precisely none.

        Now Pace did seemingly hit a home run with his 2016 draft. But he is going to need to do that again this year and next if we want to see the playoffs in a division with Rodgers.

        • Irish Sweetness

          Pace is missing a LOT. Two OTs (IMHO). Another RB. A few linebackers. Two safeties (until Demps has been weighed and measured. Ditto at CB (until we know we have a Purple Rain Prince, not a bloated OD Prince?

          • MB30SD

            Too soon

      • Even looking at our own run, we hit on some playmakers

        Lach, Tommie Harris, Briggs, Peanut, MB, Kreutz, Forte, Hester

        Or serviceable guys Onguleye, Alex Browns, Graham, Jennings.

        Seems like under the POX regime our entire team is constructed of “serviceable” types (at best) and NO playmakers.

        Are any of our ILBs close to Lach?
        Any of our CBS close to Peanut?
        Any Dlinemen close to Harris (or later Peppers)?
        Any returners like Hester?

        The very few we MIGHT have is Howard with Forte, Whitehair-Kreutz…and???

        • willbest

          Floyd might take the leap in year 2. Who knows what a season of experience an off-season of weight training does for him. I have to figure if its Thomas or Hooker at #3 we get that guy. But you need more than 1.

          • I like Floyd, but asking him to become as disruptive as T. Harris or Peppers….well, that’s A LOT to ask in yr 2, or any year really.

            Those guys were unstoppable even though they were double or even triple teamed.

            But, gotta start somewhere.

            If Pace does go Thomas at #3, maybe that’s our new foundation going forward – Floyd/Thomas, YOLO

          • BerwynBomber

            Also worry about these early concussions with Floyd. That could sidetrack his career faster than expected.

          • I expressed YUGE reservation with Floyd.

            No precedence for him really exists (unless you count Mingoor Dion Jordan, which isn’t good).

            A tall lanky 3-4 pass rusher? He’d be the first I can think of.

            But, after getting pushed around a bit, he seemed to have found his sea legs.

            But yeah, his overall durability still worries me.

            most 3-4 OLBs resemble McPhee/Thomas – 6’5 270ish +

          • MB30SD

            Or adams

    • BearDown100393

      Honestly, was there any other team interested in Mike Glennon? Or did Pace bid against himself?

      • It’s hard to say. It’ bullshit season.

        My guess is that the Jets probably offered something in the range, but perhaps it was structured differently. It seems like Pace wanted to give him a lot of the gaurantees THIS season, which makes sense.

        Maybe he had to throw Glennon a little extra for that cuz he’s not stupid. Glennon knows if he gets paid upfront that his long term future will be murky, so it was a trade off.

        I’ll take more upfront now in case I’m replaced, but my rate will go up compared to the Jets which may offer me more long term starter security.

        Seems logical. It’s not as if Pace has grossly miscalculated the market with other FAs (Alshon, Cutler) or as if he just throws cash around.

        • CanadaBear

          If Glennon works out who cares what he got? I like that Pace set himself up to get 2-3 kicks at the cat in the next 2 years.

          • willbest

            As long as one of those kicks in Jan 2018 is to Fox’s butt in the direction of the door.

          • CanadaBear

            That too. He could select a QB early in this year’s and next year’s if necessary. If one of those 3 pan out woo-hoo. If not, Pace is looking for a new job.

          • Irish Sweetness

            No doubt, C-Bear. But at 5-13 we already have an inkling, the shape of things to come. And aren’t Tampa a better football team?

          • Well, theoretically, teams should always try to get as much value as possible. If we’re gonna praise Pace for value picks like Hicks, Porter, Freeman, McPhee?, then gotta give him a little shit if he had to overpay.

            But, like I said, I don’t think he overpaid when all is considered.

            Glennon was the only viable option that fit our ideal criteria

            1. relatively cheap
            2. upfront to not handi-cap beyond
            3. “ceiling” starter, “floor” bridge
            4. young, but replaceable
            5. WILLING and healthy.

            I’m OK with it cuz I’m on record for drafting Peterson or going all-in next season, and Glennon won’t hinder either.

            If the McCaskey’s have to pay a few million more, fuck em in the face. That’s what happens when Teddy Ballgame is your prez for so long.

          • MB30SD

            Especially your last paragraph.

            Fuck me, How does that cunt still have a job??!!?!

      • Irish Sweetness

        It’s hard to argue against Mike Glennon being one of the luckiest men alive right now.

        • willbest

          a hot wife and $18 million. not bad. not bad at all.

          • Irish Sweetness

            Well done Jessica!

  • willbest

    Interesting….

    We now know how the Big Alcohol keeps Big government researchers from finding anything useful about pot.

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2017/03/13/government-marijuana-looks-nothing-like-the-real-stuff-see-for-yourself/

    • “For a researcher, it’s difficult to assess the real-world impact of
      high-end pot if you only have access to the low-quality stuff. It’s akin
      to investigating the effects of bourbon by giving people Bud Light.”

      I wonder how all these pot researches for the past 20 odd years have never noticed the difference?

      It took a stoner scientist to finally say, “hey, that’s not pot!”

      Shit, I’m not a stoner, and even I know the first thing you do is take out the seeds and the stems.

      • Irish Sweetness

        Why do dealers put seeds in their pot? It’s like giving out free home-brewer kits every time you buy a can of beer….

        • willbest

          How much pot can you get off a couple plants? And if you have more than a couple plants you are looking at felony instead of misdemeanors.

          • CanadaBear

            Once Canada goes legal I’ll let you know. I’ll be allowed to grow a few plants 4-6/year. Which, if you know what you’re doing (at this time I do not) I think it’s a couple of pounds per plant. When you are doing edibles that doesn’t go as far as you think. It’s going to be interesting.

          • Irish Sweetness

            If I could find something to do in Canada, I’d be gone …

          • CanadaBear

            If ever the timing was right … Trudeau is doing his best to be inclusive. Lots of places have better weather (although here on the Island it rains/snows for 4 months and the other 8 months are lovely) but I love this country. Still love the US but I’m happier in Canada.

          • Scharfinator

            The whole rendering process for edibles seems like a PITA to me. Still, I suppose if the process becomes a hobby to you, that makes it even better.

          • CanadaBear

            My friend swears by his MBM. Labor of love.

          • MB30SD

            he’s in thailand, you get the fucking firing squad if you’re caught be the wrong peeps.

          • Irish Sweetness

            The one place you don’t want to be selling weed right now is the Phillipines.

            Duterte is like your average bar fly … and he’s in charge of 110 million people.

            Once more, Mr. Goethe, “Noble be man, merciful and good.”

          • Irish Sweetness

            They made God a felony. Unbelievable.

          • MB30SD
          • Irish Sweetness

            I swear they all sound the same …

        • They’re too lazy.

          Pot dealers need to copy the “seedless watermelon” model

  • Captain Obvious

    So I suffer from PTSD. I’ve gotten better, and, to be totally (and weirdly) honest, some of my PTSD (particularly the hypervigilance and insomnia) was advantageous while deployed.

    I self-medicate with booze. Not alcoholic-level administration, but when I feel it creeping up on me, a well-timed beer or three, or a few shots, and it’s much easier to handle. I use some appropriately-prescribed meds and therapy, too, but the booze helps head off acute episodes.

    So the first time I went to Lebanon to meet my now-wife’s family, I thought I was in for a rough time. She’s Muslim, and she warned me that when she’s in her homeland, she acts the part a lot more than she does elsewhere. So I was readying myself for two weeks without booze, and coupled with the call to prayer, the food, the general atmosphere… I was preparing myself for a rough go with a lot of my PTSD triggers.

    Silly me, it’s fucking Lebanon. Her Muslim family broke out the scotch as soon as I came in the door. Drinks all around. They liked me from the get-go. Apparently my wife was a bit of a hellion as a teen, and they thought an American soldier would keep her grounded. Every male relation wanted to share a drink with me. I don’t remember much from that first visit to Lebanon, because I honestly don’t think I ever sobered up until we were on the plane home.

    The best part, the part I remember the most, was my wife’s uncle toasting our engagement with a bottle of Lagavulin, saying, “To alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of marriage’s problems!” Yeah, he’s a SImpson’s fan, to boot. Though the version that gets shown on public TV channels in Egypt is called “Al Shamsoons” and Duff is root beer.

    • See Will’s link below.

      Pot may help with PTSD too.

      My cuz who has it too said the most important thing is a supportive fam, so if you got that, you’re ahead of a lot of other poor vets who don’t have that foundation.

    • MB30SD

      sorry about the PTSD and thanks for your service my maings.

      That said, Praise Al Shamsoons!!!!!

    • CanadaBear

      Glad you’re doing OK. Thanks for serving.

  • BuddhaJoe

    So take this for what it’s worth from a 3rd generation functional alkie, but you should just quit Jeff. The shit you described when you were drinking and these awesome but depressing diary entries tells me that you’re better off without it. It’s hypocritical as fuck for me to say this but you don’t seem like the type that should go back based on what you wrote here, as much as I liked it.

    • Irish Sweetness

      I just read everything I hadn’t read before. Jeff’s diary does scream dependence on alcohol.

      The “I’ll change my drinking” sounds like the negotiation stage. The “how do people live sober?” line is very telling. That’s an alcoholic speaking. Lots of people live sober and don’t give it a second thought.

      Jeff, if the thought of never having another drink frightens you ….

      • CanadaBear

        It’s different for everybody. Whatever makes Jeff happy.

      • Here’s the thing, I think.
        It is about BOREDOM.

        Or more accurately, a DEEP boredom. There’ kinda no word for it in English.

        The French use “Ennui” – or a boredom so deep and mind numbing, it becomes metaphysical, transforms into existential angst.

        Now, the normal schlub isn’t afflicted by this ennui, or profound restlessness and longing.

        Most get married young, have kids, get a drone job. “Devil will have work for idle hands…” All this shit distracts the avg Joe from feeling this bottomless churning when you stare out the solitary window (que some Edith Pilaf).

        Some find other hobbies, like surfing, biking, hiking, antiquing…I live in L.A. I’m surrounded by these assholes!

        But for the more intellectual types, for the more artsy, or drama type, those activities aren’t really appealing and seen for what they are: distractions [ bottomless pit]

        Others turn to religion, therapy, some to poon (ahem), others drugs, most – booze – just cuz it’s the cheapest, less time consuming, and available.

        Just look at the list of literary types boozing up. No coincidence.

        So the “problem” really isn’t “drinking” – it’s emptiness, in whatever form you wanna frame it (ennui, weltschmerz, existential angst)

        Booze is simply a way to cope with the chasm.

        Sports is another, or combo thereof (ahem..)

        • Irish Sweetness

          Wasn’t it “drink is the curse of the working classes … .boredom the curse of the upper…”

          And I put it to one and all that alcohol is not a coping-mechanism at all. It’s an anti-coping mechanism.

        • Johnnywad

          Oooooh Butch. Do go ooonnnn…..
          (Bats eyelashes in awe)

          You slippery bastard. This is how you get yourself laid isn’t it?

        • Bender McLugh

          noooooooo je ne reget rieeennnnnnn!

    • MB30SD

      What I was trying to say this morning, just don’t feel like I can talk.

  • BearDown100393

    Marcus Copper showed class today. Hope it works out.

    • Irish Sweetness

      http://www.chicagobears.com/news/article-1/Cooper-overwhelmed-by-Bears-fans/3af52836-103e-4aa1-8656-044e5c4ac337

      Did he imply McMahon was just a mouth? Won us a superbowl, Coop. Won us a superbowl.

      • “Modestly” Huge Bears Penis

        Defense won us that SB.

        • Irish Sweetness

          A SB is won over 16 games, the playoffs and then the game itself. You have to do all of that first.

          Mike Ditka said that team doesn’t win a SB without Jim McMahon, and Mike Ditka knows.

          • CanadaBear

            100%. If only he wasn’t such a macho asshole that the league let everyone use as a punching bag. He brought a lot of it on himself. My only real beef about JM. He was always beat up and sometimes not available.

          • SC Dave

            “Sometimes”?

            If you call averaging less than 10 games a season for the Bears “sometimes not available”, I’d hate to think what plain old “not available” means.

            http://www.pro-football-reference.com/players/M/McMaJi00.htm

          • Irish Sweetness

            25-0 (1984-1987).

            77 NCAA passing records. Incredible.

          • Scharfinator

            25-0 in 3 seasons? 8.33 games a season is pretty bad. That’s barely more than half he was in for. EEek

          • SC Dave

            Yup, 0-23 on the field.

          • CanadaBear

            No doubt. Nothing against JM because the Bears were capable of beating anyone if he was playing in his prime. And that’s the only time I’ve ever felt like that as a Bear fan. It’s not like Dent didn’t do his part. They were a great team with a macho idiot for a starting QB.

          • evantonio

            Mike Ditka said Ricky Williams was worth the Saints entire 1999 draft class.

          • MB30SD

            Oooooops!

          • Irish Sweetness

            On that note, you have me cold …. absolutely dead to rights.

          • MB30SD

            You’re a good dude Irish. Fucking eccentric, but a good dude.

          • Irish Sweetness

            MWAH!

          • MB30SD

            underneath it all i mean. ; )

          • SC Dave

            DIkta, schmitka.

            Dent said they won a Super Bowl because of Ditka. And did not win three because of Ditka. And Richard Dent knows.

          • Irish Sweetness

            Dent was earning sixty thousand dollars a year. He was pissed.

            We didn’t win 3 superbowls because the Halas’ are misers and Jimmy Mac couldn’t stay healthy for long enough. Ditka proved he could build and coach a Lomardi-winning team. He did it as a player, as an assistant under Landry, and as the HC himself. Was there ever a coach who was a great player too? Ditka was. He’s a HoF player in his own tier after revolutionizing the position he played. He was a winner, and his credentials are impeccable. Without him, Chicago has no super bowls, and we are Detroit.

          • SC Dave

            McMahon did not play all 16 games. In fact, he did not play every game in a single season even ONCE in his career.

          • Irish Sweetness

            Correct. And who does? 25-0 as a starter in the golden era though …. nobody’s done that since or before.

            They needed Mac to win the games the defense couldn’t … wasn’t all cherry pie …. and they needed the defense to win the games Fuller couldn’t. Team game, but it all ran thru Mac, Samurai the other side. Important dudes. They could have run the ball with Suhey with that line.

      • CanadaBear

        I’m still smh he doesn’t know how to spell Mr Sayers first name. It’s even easier than he thought. It’s only 4 letters not 5. Gale.

        • SC Dave

          It’s not that he didn’t know. It’s more that he didn’t make sure.

          Hopefully he’s not that sloppy wrt the playbook.

          • CanadaBear

            I was referring to Rich Campbell. He certainly should know how to spell Gale.

      • MB30SD

        Like that. Hope the kids brings the noise… Chicago will reward him.

    • Wow.
      Peanut Jr?

      Let’s hope.

      The most important part of an FA is them WANTING to be a Bear and not just being a contract killer.

      So maybe Pace is doing it right by signing this willing 2nd tier guys.

  • My favorite lines:

    “It’s almost like booze is bad for you.”
    “It’s time to fuck the wife.”
    “She wouldn’t have known if I got hammered and pissed my pants on the couch, until she got home and smelled the couch.”

    A few questions you may not answer:

    Did you notice a significant change in your relationship with the lady? Better I’d imagine? Or is she annoyed that you couldn’t drink with her?

    How many inches did you add to your pecker by losing the FUPA?

    Congratulations, buddy. Will be thinking of you when I have my first beer on St. Paddy’s around the same time. I’ll be on a boat heading to Key West.

    PS Guinness

    • Irish Sweetness

      (shrugs)

      In relation to pissy couches … Pages From A Blackout.

      An alcoholic’s relationship with couches and piss – much like their relationships with mattresses – is a complex and lengthy one. Whilst still a teenager I one night consumed two bottles of Jacob’s Creek. The next morning I noticed a pissy smell int he living room, but no sign of piss. I removed the cushion panels from the sofa and discovered the bottom was soaked in piss. In the middle of the night I’d gone downstairs, removed the cushions first, let fly as nature intended in most glorious fashion, and then replaced the cushions perfectly to leave any unsuspecting soul in search of a seat none the wiser.

      Next Week: Central heating boilers – a good place to put your towels .. or a great place to relieve yourself at four in the morning?

      (shrugs)

    • CanadaBear

      Have a great trip to Key West. Gotta love that!

      • Pretty sure I’m going to puke at some point. Unlike Jeff, I appreciate the drink AND the drinking. 🙂

  • BerwynBomber

    The Cheese look weakened by free agency. They lost three key players in Lacy, Hyde and Lang, and one competent player in Jones.

    Nor have they added much. Uni and Kendrick won’t give them much more than Cook last year. And although they added a much needed CB he is no better than average. (In fact, he was relegated to second unit and STs by JAX last year.)

    DET obviously upgraded their OL but you wonder at what cost. And Levy is gone. Then again, he hasn’t played in two seasons.

    Don’t know much about MIN other than the fact that AP, Patterson and Kalil are gone. Oh, and Greenway retired.

    • AlbertInTucson

      Meh, I dont think the Packers are shedding any tears over Lacy ‘s departure.

      • BerwynBomber

        We’ll see. Despite Montgomery’s big game against us he did next to nothing against all their other opponents. Their young FB looks like a new Kuhn but they don’t have anyone filling Lacy’s shoes yet.

        I could see him helping SEA.

        • AlbertInTucson

          Those weren’t very big shoes to fill the lasr 2 seasons. The guy was either hurt or out of shape.

          • BerwynBomber

            His YPC the last two years were, respectively, 4.1 and 5.1. He just didn’t get the attempts in ’15, though he was available, and he was hurt in ’16.

            He struck me as their best featured back since the Favre era.

          • MB30SD

            They probably were big shoes… Wiiiiiide

      • BearDown100393

        Team meals restored to full portions. Effective immediately.

  • Irish Sweetness

    By the way Jefe, sorry for all the analysis on your piece. We’re all playing Doctor and dissecting your drinking as if you’re not there. That was an intensely long post though, there’s a lot of stuff in there to talk about, and this is a talking blog I guess.

    Anyway, good luck with it all.

    43 days til the draft.

    • MB30SD

      Aren’t you more old now?

      • Irish Sweetness

        45 today. My wife didn’t know, but the two girls that help the kids scan at school in knew. SMH.

        • MB30SD

          Happy bday dude.

          You’re fucking old.

          Wives suck maings… Never again.

        • Cormonster

          Happy birthday Irish! Just remember, I’ll always be 16.5 months wiser than you.

  • MB30SD

    found Brike’s mom… looks like she’s Korean maybe: http://cdn3-www.craveonline.com/assets/uploads/2017/03/5_funny_photos_3_15_17.jpeg

    • willbest

      Genetically impossible.

      • MB30SD

        possibly

  • MB30SD
    • Scharfinator

      I think you are as bored as I am at the moment. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gtIHcWa6HU

      • MB30SD

        Love that interview. bummed chappelle isn’t doing shit any mo. He’s a funny motherfucker man.

        Yep, I was on a conference call. hahahaha

        • Bender McLugh

          Chapelle has 3 new specials coming out next starting next week on Netflix though, I hear it’s just stand-up and not skits but still. Should be good

  • Bender McLugh

    from Barfly the movie. Bukowski (Henry) played by Mickey Roarke

    Tully:
    Why don’t you stop drinking? Anybody can be a drunk.

    Henry:
    Anybody can be a non-drunk. It takes a special talent to be a drunk. It
    takes endurance. Endurance is more important than truth.

    great flick and I think it’s been mentioned on here previously
    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092618/?ref_=ttqt_qt_tt

    • CanadaBear

      It’s cool seeing Faye Dunaway as a drunk. Rourke’s drunk was a lot more believable than Nic Cage’s in Leaving Las Vegas. I don’t care who it is, nobody could drink hard liquor the way he was consuming it and survive more than a few days. Kinda ruined the movie for me.

      • Bender McLugh

        Leaving was all about Shue. hotdamn!

        • MB30SD

          So hot in her day

          • CanadaBear

            Not unlike Dana Delaney in one of the worst movies ever, Exit to Eden. She is so incredibly hot in that one but the movie is barely above drive-in soft core.

          • MB30SD

            was never really a dana delaney fan. she’s aight.

            I was though a BIG diane lane fan. Big being the operative word. hubba bubba

          • willbest

            would still bang, barely. But she looked great into her 40’s which is rare.

          • MB30SD

            jes… about the still looked great in her 40’s. Wouldn’t bang now. : (

          • Johnnywad

            Jennifer Lopez is forty fucking seven. 47!

            She’d get the old JW special package delivery.

          • MB30SD

            hmmmmm… good question. Which starlets over 45 are bangable in order. Top 5?

            here are mine:
            1.
            2.
            3.
            4.
            5.

            hmmmmm… shit. I like young chicks. : (

            This might help

          • MB30SD
          • willbest

            bangable isn’t a difficult threshold. Christine Taylor, Rachel Weisz, Winona Ryder are all doable.

            Plus I am sure there are some you would bang just for nostalgia. Like Heather Locklear even though she would require some alcohol assistance these days.

          • Irish Sweetness

            I’d get nekkid with Helen Mirren before Winona. Winona wasn’t even sexy when he was young.

          • “Modestly” Huge Bears Penis

            …….WTF?

          • willbest

            I have no earthly idea what A-Rod is doing with her other than playing out some fantasy he had from 20 years ago.

          • Irish Sweetness

            .. in an Irish sandwich. Still smash her back doors in …

          • Irish Sweetness

            Fran Drescher?

          • MB30SD

            Fuck that… Not literally

          • Bender McLugh

            remember her & Madonna on Letterman together around that time? jeesh…..

        • Irish Sweetness

          The Karate Hottie.

  • BerwynBomber

    Dont’a Hightower returning to the Pats.

    • Bender McLugh

      that was predictable really

      • MB30SD

        saw that, kinda bummed though… wanted him.

        • Pox gonna give Tre and Kwiat every chance. Jets threw bank at Hightower. Guess he rather win rhan make a few extra mil

          • MB30SD

            yeah, I get it.

            I REALLY don’t think ‘chris borland ultra-lite’ is the answer there.

            I’d rather pick up Minter or even take Bullware out of Clemson this year, but I’m really hoping tre comes back and kicks ass. Maybe that’s wishful thinking though.

          • SC Dave

            Probably is too rosy a view of Tre, at least for next year.

            I’m as or more optimistic that Kwiat makes the second year jump and become a solid (albeit not spectacular) multi-year starter.

          • Johnnywad

            He did seem to have a nose for the football.

          • willbest

            Which is stupid because he has 2 SB rings and that is where he is going to stand unless they win it again this year. Also, he is good but he isn’t Canton bound. Go get that extra $5 million.

  • willbest

    Darelle Revis is a free man! Judge dismisses all charges. Sorry Jets, you still owe him $6 million.

  • willbest

    “I just have this feeling Deshaun Watson is gonna be a Bear.” – Jeff

    I hope that is the sobriety talking.

    • evantonio

      because you want him, or don’t want him?

      • MB30SD

        good pint

        (Get it?)

        • Moses Christ…

        • evantonio

          yes. you’re scared of guinness. we get it.

          • Johnnywad

            He likes wine coolers and 19 year old cheerleaders.

          • MB30SD

            It’s fucking Zima… and 23 is my floor god damnit!

          • Johnnywad

            Hahahahaha!! I tried to outflank you.
            Busted.

          • MB30SD

            It’s zomething different!

          • Johnnywad

            My God. What a horrible commercial.

            I can’t believe that was 1994. Felt way more 80’s. Guess it’s all blurring together now.

          • MB30SD

            Yeah, horrible. They all were. Wonder why Zima didn’t stick.

          • Irish Sweetness

            Are women like that attractive to straight men?

          • evantonio

            at least they’re in college?

          • MB30SD

            jes, but just a little

      • willbest

        If we were going to draft Watson we should have given Hoyer $6 million a year and called it a day. The whole point of paying Glennon was to avoid drafting a QB at #3.

        • Johnnywad

          It’s not really that simple. What if Watson is gone at #3? What if Watson sucks? What if Glennon is actually good?

          IMHO
          Glennon is just an insurance policy that allows him a little wiggle room in the draft. We already know Hoyer sucks. And Glennon was set up as a one year trial period.

          • MB30SD

            shutyomouth!

          • Johnnywad

            Said wiggle room allows him the option to draft one of your safeties.

          • MB30SD

            “We already know Hoyer sucks.”

            *Sniff*

          • Johnnywad

            172/1/1

          • MB30SD

            are those glennon’s numbers?

            …and our new battle cry… and the 3rd promotional message on tickets next year?

          • Johnnywad

            No way. Fuck Glennon.

            Just saying I get the business side of it. Pace is playing the odds and thinking long game at the same time

          • MB30SD

            TBD

          • Irish Sweetness

            His numbers are 5-13. That is all for now.

          • “Modestly” Huge Bears Penis

            truth hurts?

          • BearDown100393

            so does love

          • MB30SD

            Little

          • Irish Sweetness

            Here’s a hanky, and some feminine wash for your vagina …. the boys are talking quarterbacks now, run along ….

          • BearDown100393

            hey man, I’m just talking about Dirty Frank

          • BerwynBomber

            Ah, you beat me to it. Just wrote about the same in response to will.

          • Irish Sweetness

            If Glennon is that good, why is his record 5-13 though? I believe Pace in when he talks about his strengths. What he didn’t talk about were his weaknesses.

          • “Modestly” Huge Bears Penis

            Maybe cuz he was on a crappy team coached by Lovie. Also most rookies that play don’t have Prescott level success.

        • evantonio

          or to make sure the QB we draft at #3 isn’t thrown into the fire without the pieces being in place for him to succeed?

          • willbest

            F that. You get paid $6 million a year, you better be able to start year 1.

          • evantonio

            eh. they’re not paying him that because they want to. they’re paying him that because they have to.

        • BerwynBomber

          Yes and no. The problem with Hoyer was, ironically, the same problem with Cutler (ironic — given all the blog’s season-long infighting over the two): neither had any more potential upside for the Bears. Or to put it another way, neither was the future.

          Glennon, OTOH, gives you two bites of the apple. Yeah, he costs you about as much as Cutty for a year, and chances are the future would still be a guy like Watson, but it could be Glennon too, even if odds are remote.

          So Glennon, to a degree, ups your odds to find the long-term heir to Cutty. At least that is what I would presume to be Pace’s thinking.

          • Sahr Gborie

            i see what you are saying. kill 2 birds with one stone. thats a spot on analysis.

            most people on this blog including my self are of the mind set that:
            if we are going to draft the future there is no need to waste money & commit GLENNON-CIDE because the future QB will be playing in 17 if they are everything we hoped for. if not they will ride the bench for a year and take over in 18. plus you could pay hoyer or even josh mccowen a lot less money to be a good game manager and mentor to the future QB

        • Irish Sweetness

          I don’t know if it was. None of those QBs is older than 21 I think. Plus injury, you need bodies. Glennon gives you the NFL-ready guy, the draft gives you (possibly) your future QB. Glennon’s contract is built to airlock him in year two.

    • Sahr Gborie

      no way. they go defense:
      most likely ADAMS or SOLOMON
      maybe O.J. HOWARD
      wett dreams MYLES GARRETT

      • I’m curious how high Howard will go.

        Ppl talk about him like they did about Vernon Davis. They usually don’t go top 5, but maybe he does.

        Gronk has shown how an epic TE is even more dangerous than an elite HB/WR.

        • Sahr Gborie

          he will go in the top 20. some team that needs a TE or just wants best player available….check out this mock draft…https://www.profootballfocus.com/pro-mock-draft-5-0-jets-trade-up-to-take-a-qb/

          • Oh, for sure he’s gone by #20, and I think by #10. But he might go even higher than that.

            Only thing that may drop him a bit is that this draft is rather deep at TE, so teams may choose to wait on later talent.

          • Sahr Gborie

            hes considered the best TE in the draft. i think he goes top 15

          • Irish Sweetness

            The two behind him are no bums either. Again, a good reason to trade down. Grab a safety, a TE and a DE.

          • Sahr Gborie

            trading down will be hard because there is no MUST GET PLAYER in the draft outside of GARRETT that we know of. if there are other teams are keeping their mouths shut. lets hope and pray some team falls in love with a player and is willing to trade us a boat load of draft picks. im looking at you TEXANS/JETS

      • Irish Sweetness

        They had Allen in for chat at Halas didn’t they? Worrying that.

        • Sahr Gborie

          they have to bring him in even if they wont draft him. its part of doing your due diligence. FOX DID NOT SCOUT CLAUSEN YET HE DRAFTED HIM. better to be safe than sorry. plus its a great way to throw other teams off our trail regarding what we are going to do in the draf

    • Irish Sweetness

      I have a sneaky one too. I can see Pace taking Trubs or Watson, hope it’s a trade-down though … or Herschel Walker.

      • willbest

        If we are drafting at #3, this is what I grade each selection

        A+: Garrett
        A: Thomas
        B+: Hooker/Adams
        B: Lattimore
        C+: Barnett
        C-: Watson/Trubisky
        F: Everything else

        Now if he trades back, that is a different matter.

        • Sahr Gborie

          A+: GARRETT—he the best in the draft

          A: ADAMS—no injuries. he is a leader in the locker room. position of need

          A-: THOMAS—he is not garrett but he makes the line better. plenty of CB left

          B+: LATTIMORE/OJ HOWARD—position of need and a good player

          B: BARNETT—he is not any of the above but a solid player
          C+: WATSON—we need a qb/he has won at the college level/smart player….hes only here because i love to build the defense and im not sold on this qb class. plus i want SAM DARNOLD IN 18
          C-F: i could care less about everyone else

        • Jonathan Allen?

          I keep getting this feeling that Barnett is going to shoot up while Thomas go down, but that’s just a feeling I get.

    • Watson is tempting cuz he’s got “it”.

      I can see a GM convincing himself, “Watson has the drive, passion, leadership, clutch gene, skill set..the rest we can work on”

      But I remember Vince Young essentially willing that Longhorn’s team to victory over USC. Many then said the same thing about him. He’s now broke and maybe moving to Canada

      (though Young did win some games early in his career).

  • BearDown100393

    POX followed Kiper’s advice. They all suck. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4T-tAGdNzKQ

  • Downward trajectory for vet min?

    http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2017/03/15/david-carr-says-osweiler-didnt-get-enough-time-in-houston/#comments

    I think the Kubiak system resembles Gase/Birdcage more than the O’brian O.

    And didn’t Oz do ok in the playoffs when it matters?

    Still prefer Shaw/Peterson to insure Glennon, but Oz could be another option if he’s cheap.

    • willbest

      no.

      • Yeah, just read his “melt down” or whatever.

        Like I said, I’d prefer Shaw/Peterman combo.

        If we get down to 3rd QB again, it’ll be a nightmare no matter

    • Irish Sweetness

      I’ll give Glennon a chance, but Snotweiler …..

    • BerwynBomber

      Oz played decently against OAK but OAK’s D sucks and that game was more about Connor Cook being overwhelmed than anything else. Then he pissed his pants (3 INTs) against NE.

      (Note: Peyton started all of DEN’s post-season games in ’15. Did a decent Dilfer impersonation in the divisional and conference games then crapped the bed in the SB but Von Miller and the D pulled them thru.)

      I thought the bidding craze over Oz a year ago was insane, and also never thought his ceiling was any higher than Cutler-like middle of the pack territory. By the same token, I am surprised HOU gave up on him so soon.

      • Yeah, I’m just thinking since we’re playing QB roulette, add another ball to the spin, but I’m really not that thrilled with Oz.

        But who knows? Maybe it was part scheme. Texans have burned through like 6 QBs in the past couple years.

        Still, Shaw/Peterman – let’s roll.

        • BerwynBomber

          I get your take-another-shot logic, and if we weren’t drafting a QB the next two years, I could see a Glennon-Oz-Shaw camp, but given we most likely will draft a kid in ’17 or ’18 there is probably no room for him.

          Btw, if HOU doesn’t get Romo (or if they don’t start a rookie this year) I wonder if they will regret jettisoning Oz so quickly. As sucky as Oz is, I might want to give him one more year then turn to a veteran re-tread like Fitz, RG3, and yes, even Cutty.

          Also wonder if teams like HOU and DEN won’t jump into the Cousins trade talks despite the obviousness of SF.

          • CanadaBear

            The biggest issue for Texas was OZ and the coach hate each other.

  • Johnnywad

    So we all know the Browns will fuck up the first pick. That means Garrett will be there at 2. Are we willing to move up one spot to get him? How willing? What would that cost?

    • MB30SD

      no.

      I mean, yes, the browns will fuck it up somehow.

      but no… take adams and then buddah in the 2nd or the big kid in the 3rd, or just take Hooker and run.

      • Shady

        Agreed. Adams or bust.

        • MB30SD

          yeah, you adams over hooker huh?

          I was hot on hookers ass (hee hee), but the more I watched his tape, the more I felt disgusted with myself for wanting to pick a dude @ #3 who literally looks like he’s scared to fucking tackle. I mean, this IS football right?!!?

          …that and then you look at adams’ tape and the dude looks like he wants to fucking decapitate homies with erra hit. Kinda swayed me. I’d be happy with either in the end.

          As long as pace doesn’t pull a fucking chicken dinner on me I won’t care. There are 5-7 guys that would be great at that pick even if they aren’t a FS (like foster, howard, the CB, etc…)

          • Shady

            Pretty sure you and I have been asking for the Bears to draft a replacement for Mike Brown for more than a decade now. Unfortunately the only attempts to resolve the revolving door have been shitty 3rd and 4th round picks and old as balls free agents. Now or never maing.

          • MB30SD

            jes… but Adams seems like more of the roving SS, and hooker seems to be more in the mold of a berry (although he needs to learn how to bring the wood).

            Let’s do some ghost maings… you down?

          • Shady

            Negative ghost rider, pattern is full.

          • MB30SD

            : /

            escared?

          • willbest

            Our secondary built on other team castoffs is now better than our dline. Thomas fo sho

          • MB30SD

            smh

            amos (5th rounder) aaaaannnndd…………??

          • willbest

            Demps.

          • MB30SD

            (rolls eyes)

            one bad cut and we’re back to fucking… jesus, I can’t even remember some of those scrubs names.

            We need depth man. We’ve neglected to position for 10+ years, it’s absurd we don’t put ANY value on the safety position. Especially for an org who’s had the likes of brown, gayle, duerson, fensik… afalava!!?

            I mean come on man. At somefuckingpoint we HAVE to stop the madness.

          • Don’t forget Conte!

          • MB30SD

            downvote

        • Irish Sweetness

          Sound pick. And there aren’t many. Is Lattimore a penalty kick? Allen? I see Garret, Fournette, Adams, maybe Thomas. For me, if they draft Adams, it would be hard to pass on Budda Baker, even with Demps on board.

          Always wanted that double-trouble killer backfield though. That would be so sweet.

    • I asked that before when sitting at #1, and everyone preferred trading down 30 times Costner style.

      At #2 might be more managable, but might have to give up a 3rd or 4rth, which for us would really mean a 2nd or 3rd.

      Though maybe. The question would be: is Garrett worth an extra 3rd or 4rth over Thomas/Hooker?

      The other thing to consider that I haven’t seen anyone bring up is that there’s a bunch of compensatory 3rd/4rth rd picks, so that many GMs might try to get as many picks before the 4rth as possible.

      https://nflcommunications.com/Pages/NFL-ANNOUNCES-33-COMPENSATORY-DRAFT-CHOICES-TO-13-CLUBS.aspx

      • Irish Sweetness

        Certainly not worth a third to move up … not when we can draft a stud at 3. I’m dying to find out Pace’s grade on Fournette.

  • Shady

    Epic fucking post Jefe, loved it.

    • Hey, and since you’re never on her, congrats on the FF championship, fucker.

      I was dethroned!

      If I do the league again this yr, I shall give you a proper coronation.

      • MB30SD

        yeah, you’re NEVER on HER. NTTAWWT

        Hey, coming to Chi in the next few months. I’ll shoot you and the boyz a text when dates are solidified.

      • Shady

        Appreciate the kudos, better late than never amigo!

        • I think you and I have won the championship the last 4 years.

          I think Irish squeezed one out one yr, and maybe GP who has some tragic downfalls lol

          • Irish Sweetness

            For some reason I never make the blog draft. The draft time is usually gay. NTTAWWT.

  • Shady

    Anybody have any advice for me as I scramble to fill out my NCAA Basketball Tournament bracket?

    • MB30SD

      don’t waste your life on basketball?

    • I don’t follow that, but I think Data does. So if you’re following him on the twits, ask him and he’ll print shoot you a computational read out.

  • Cormonster

    Cool article I ran across today on how the 27th Amendment got passed. It shows that truth is indeed stranger than fiction.

    http://kut.org/post/he-got-bad-grade-so-he-got-constitution-amended-now-hes-getting-credit-he-deserves

    • Irish Sweetness

      Listen to this man, Ron Paul’s brother, talking about how the Federal Reserve act came into existence.

  • BerwynBomber
    • MB30SD

      Oh god, someone get yonny some Kleenex

  • Shady
  • Watching the playoff game between Brees and Fangio D on NFLN

    Pretty epic.

    Their secondary wasn’t all-pro but they laid the wood.

    Gholdson-Hitner-CarlosRodgers-?

    Hitner knocked out some WR by the goal line causing a fumble (that would now be called targeting).

    Alex Smith’s first playoff appearance, and he balled if I remember correctly.

    Both had stout Olines.

  • “Modestly” Huge Bears Penis
    • Sahr Gborie

      We should sign AP & POE for a $1 each….hahahaha

  • Joecashflow

    Just read this. Makes me want to start. Both the workouts and off the booze. It’s been years. Good on ya, Jeff. You’re an inspiration.

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