This is one of the most uninteresting game previews I’ve ever attempted to write. But I’m writing it anyway, for it is my duty.

WHY DO I LIKE THE CHICAGO BEARS THIS WEEK?

• I always like the Chicago Bears.
• I’m pretty sure Lovie Smith is aware he can’t return to Chicago without winning this game. A loss to a porous Arizona Cardinals team would cause the entirety of the Bears fan base and the city of Chicago to scream for his head until Phil Emery provides it on a golden platter.
• Did I mention I always like the Chicago Bears?

GOOD CHANCE WE SEE A SCORELESS FIRST HALF

Arizona may be one of the worst teams in football but they have a pretty darn good defense. They are capable of badgering the opposing quarterback and can be decently larcenous in the secondary. If Cutler and company are interested in turning the ball over Sunday the Cardinals defense will certainly oblige.

And I don’t care which of the roster buffoons Ken Whisenhunt starts at quarterback. Neither Ryan Lindley nor John Skelton are capable of displaying the type of mid-range accuracy required to beat the Bears defense on a lengthy drive. Unless Beanie Wells goes off for 150+ the Cardinals will need to win this game on the other side of the ball.

THIS IS KURT WARNER DRAWING GOD (SERIOUSLY)

FIVE THINGS I THINK THE BEARS WILL DO SUNDAY

1. I think Julius Peppers and Corey Wootton will harass the terrible tackles for the Arizona Cardinals and force Lindley into check downs and throw-aways when he’s not being hit. (And if Henry Melton plays I expect the same from him.)
2. I think the Bears will muster nothing in the realm of a running game.
3. I think this fella will be the most important player in the game: “David Michael Zastudil (born October 26, 1978 in Bay Village, Ohio) is an American football punter for the Arizona Cardinals of the National Football League.”
4. I think Adam Podlesh will be the second most important player.
5. I think I’ll be surprised if there less than four interceptions thrown total in this game.

THRIVE/SURVIVE

• Thrive:  He’s only be a Chicago Bear for two weeks but I think Olindo Mare is going to have a fine game in the desert. With yardage hard to come by the Bears will be relying on their kicker.
• Survive: After being manhandled by the officials against the Green Bay Packers Alshon Jeffery needs a comeback game. Jay Cutler clearly has confidence in his abilities and I expect 7-10 targets. He needs to catch those balls without extending his arms to push off the defenders.

PREDICTION

I think it will be the least watchable game of the 2012 campaign. And I’m going to predict the only touchdown wins the game.

Chicago Bears 13, Arizona Cardinals 9